Long Way to Happy
by keisan
Summary: AU.Matthew Williams' world has been falling apart since he was very young. Will help step in? And even if it does, does Matthew have the strength to take it? A story of loss, despair, strength and hope. Al/Matt slash & other pairings, Gil/Matt friendship
1. Chapter 1

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: cursing, verbal and physical child abuse, possibly some non-con sexual situations later, potential OOC-ness and most definitely SLASH (homosexuality)! So if that's not your cup of tea, please move along. Also, no offense is meant by those in these particular situations written about, I am merely drawing from my own reading, imagination, some research and some personal experience. EDIT: victims of abuse in my story **may** also display some common traits such as self-harm, suicidal ideation, eating disorders and/or loss of appetite, tendency to avoid situations, places or certain people (often the gender by which they were violated), avoidance of social-interaction, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, nightmares, flashbacks, inability to say no, fear of intimacy, fear of exposure, etc. I am merely giving potential warnings, all of these things will not definitely occur but many will.

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine; they belong to the creators of Axis Powers Hetalia and Hetalia World Series, etc. Also, all events in accordance with these characters are imagined. Other characters are invented by myself and are in no way connected to any real persons; if it seems that way, it is purely coincidental. This disclaimer is meant for the entire fiction (length has yet to be determined), not solely this one chapter. The title is based on the artist Pink's song of the same title-I also do not own that.

Author's note: Here is my first Hetalia fic; it is an AU. Pairing is USxCanada or AlfredxMatthew. Also, considering Matthew's situation I suppose it seems unlikely he'd be pursuing post-secondary education but let's just say he was determined and made it possible. And finally, I am a post-secondary school student and have thus included footnotes for things that I felt may need additional explanation. As for updating, I will try and get to this as often as I possibly can, the story is not completely written out so I'm following my instincts in terms of where this story is headed. It will be slash however, main pairing is AlfredxMatthew, with additional pairings such as: GermanyxItaly, SpainxRomano, SwedenxFinland, and others that will be unveiled later. Enjoy and review! Please be nice though, it's been a long while since I've written fanfiction. Oh, one last thing, this has not yet been properly betaed.

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My gaze was fixated outside the bus window; rain cascaded down from the sky in a relentless downpour and bounced off those beyond any shelter in such wretched conditions. Vacant stares from the other passengers slide over those stepping onto the bus as they searched for a place to sit near the front. I sat quietly at the back in a heavy crimson hoodie, too large for my slight frame but warm enough to warm my frozen, fingers. I sighed and glanced at my bag, paint-crusted fingers itching to pull out my school reading that I'm so far behind in. Painting seems to take up all my time these days, at least during the times I am lost in my own melancholic state. The rest of my time is spent dealing with everything which has brought me here—the people, the events and the trauma.

I nibbled the skin around my thumb nail as my own anxiety built; the result of the accumulating crowd for which public transit is notorious. My foot taps in a way that I feel helped to relieve the anxiety but merely served as a distraction from those around me. Once my stop came up, I pulled the string at the top of the window, gathered my knapsack and pulled my hood over my wavy blond hair. When I reached my apartment, I took a deep breath as I dropped back into my reality.

"Matthew! Where the fuck have you been?" yells my overbearing, temperamental step-father, Gary McPherson.

I duck my head in submission, "I'm sorry. I couldn't leave my class early; we had presentations today."

He narrowed his brown eyes and lurched towards me menacingly. I suppose I should have expected this by now, but I still felt that rising anxiety, that rising fear every time he came towards me with that look in his eyes. A much larger man that I, he easily wrapped his fingers around my slender upper arm and smacked me hard across the left cheek with the other hand. I felt my breath knocked out of me when he kneed me in the stomach, my head still reeling from the hit to my face to even attempt to get away. My knees buckled as my brain registered the blow to my stomach and I would have fallen to the ground if Gary hadn't still been gripping my arm. With that, he let go and shoved me and this time I really did lose my balance. He grabbed my hair and held it tight, I thought he was going to rip it out of my head. Tears were stinging my eyes but I couldn't let them fall, not yet. They were useless, just as useless as I am.

"Look at me when I'm speaking to you!" he growled.

I look up into those cold eyes, fear dominating my features; I really did have to learn how to hide my feelings better. I clenched my jaw and pain bloomed across my cheek; great, I'm going to have to hide the bruising somehow.

"P-please, sir! I'm sorry. It won't happen again," I stuttered.

"You're damn right it won't. Take your goddamn shoes off—they're covered in mud—and get in the kitchen. Don't you dare burn my food!"

He let go and stomped over to his recliner in front of the television and sipped at the half-filled bottle of amber-coloured whiskey on the coffee table.

It was only then that I let out a silent breath and got to my feet. I pulled off my shoes and put them on the mat. I brought the rest of my things into my barren room and went into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

Once the food was made perfectly (which I am now an expert at doing), I quietly brought a large plate to Gary, hands shaking slightly.

"It's ready," I murmur, "There are left-overs for your lunch tomorrow."

I would most likely go without, of course. I swallowed anxiously as he took the plate from me roughly.

"Finish the vegetables in the bottom of the fridge," he said gruffly.

At least I wouldn't starve; I hoped the vegetables weren't too off yet.

I cleaned up the mess in the kitchen and prepared a small plate of food for myself. There were a couple of oranges in the fridge, some wilted celery and cucumbers; probably not a complete meal even for myself (a vegetarian).

I padded into my bedroom and locked my door. I pulled out my first aid kit and spread some Arnica1 over my rapidly bruising cheek. After removing my hoodie, I smeared some of the healing gel over my bruised arm and bit my lip at the black and blue finger prints over too pale skin. My stomach was a sight to behold as well; more Arnica for those bruises but the internal bruising could only heal itself. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to go to the hospital again; one time he broke two of my ribs. I went to the hospital claiming I'd fallen down two flights of stairs in my rush to school.

I glanced at my reflection and only saw ugliness; violet eyes were shadowed in melancholy, hopelessness and despair and bruising blooming across my skin. I felt so lonely and trapped; I didn't know what to do.

My biological father, Francis Bonnefoy, was a writer and he left my mother before I was born and my mother, several years later, re-married out of loneliness. Unfortunately, she'd only known my step-dad for about six months and after he lost his job (an office worker) he began turning into this monster. Of course, he'd gotten another job later on, but it wasn't his true calling, I suppose; he certainly didn't seem to find joy in pumping gasoline. My mom, on the other hand, had been an artist; she painted and tried to sell her works but I suppose it never brought in much money, she wasn't famous or anything. She passed away after a car accident when I was nine; I was in the car with her and I know I shouldn't have survived. Evidently Fate wouldn't have it that way.

After a couple hours of studying and doing my homework, I crept over to my bedroom door, the sound of the television hummed low in the background. I scrunched my eyes in concentration as I tried to listen for the snores that would inevitably surface from the drunken man in the recliner. Once I felt the coast was clear, I tiptoed out my door and into the kitchen; I'd had enough injuries in my past to know that I ought to be putting ice on them. I opened the freezer and pulled out a bag of ice, a loud snort from the living room halted my movements immediately, so I waited in stillness. Once the evened out breathing and snores continued I breathed a sigh of relief and continued. I quickly took the bag to my room, locked the door behind me and began resuming the care of my injuries.

When my temporary imposed stoicism could no longer obey my practical self-talk and thoughts, my emotions let loose. I picked up my stuffed bear, Kumajiro, and cried into his soft, worn, off-white fur. Mom gave him to me when I was little and I always kept him close to me. I had to hide him so Gary wouldn't get rid of him. I cried silently until I ran out of tears and couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.

Tomorrow would be better, it had to be. Fate couldn't be that cruel.

End chapter.

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Reviews are loved. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Flames will be batted away with Canadian hockey sticks. I read this somewhere, don't mean to take it but I loved it! Credit goes to whoever owns that line haha.

1 _Arnica Montana_, according to The University of Maryland Medical Centre website, "Arnica has been used for medicinal purposes since the 1500s and remains popular today. Applied topically as a cream, ointment, liniment, salve, or tincture, Europeans and Native Americans have used arnica to soothe muscle aches, reduce inflammation, and heal wounds. It is often the first remedy used for injuries such as sprains and bruises. Arnica in herbal form is primarily restricted to topical (external) use because it can cause serious side effects when taken internally."


	2. Chapter 2

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter

Disclaimer: see first chapter

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Chapter 2

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Be—smack!_

The alarm roused me from bad dreams, thank goodness, and I sat up in my futon bed. My back cracked as I stretched it to and fro. I fisted my hands and rubbed the sleep from my tired eyes and a yawn took over. I shivered as I threw my duvet off and stumbled out of bed on a mission to get to my first class on time. Curse early morning classes, I thought bleakly. Then I retracted that thought and apologised to myself when I heard loud clanking in the kitchen. Maybe Gary would be in a better mood today. _SLAM!_ went one of the cupboards. Maybe not.

I swallowed as I heard low grumbling, something about a lack of coffee in the house. Yikes. Not good. I figured I'd better get some on my way home tonight. I quickly dressed myself, grabbed my glasses off the night table and bit my lip as I gathered the courage to leave my room.

Finally I stepped out and shuffled into the bathroom to do my morning routine. I examined the discolouration on my cheek. Great. Time for foundation and concealer makeup. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the only or at least few males who wear makeup for this specific reason. Of course, there was my Polish friend Feliks who wore makeup just because he liked to look pretty but that's definitely not why I wear it. Right, moving on; I checked my jaw line for any facial hair. Nada. I swear I'm turning more girly by the day. I have never gotten much body hair though I can't fathom why; I found pictures, when I was younger, of my biological father and he had facial hair. I frowned and pursed my lips.

_SLAM!_

I gulped and put my shaking hands on the counter. Sniffling a little, I brushed my teeth quickly and used the toilet. I crept out of the bathroom, quiet as a mouse, and got on with my morning routine. Finally, I slung my knapsack over my shoulders and headed out the door. I thought I'd almost left unscathed when I heard the heavy boot-clad feet trail out of Gary's room.

"Where do you think you're going?" said an eerie voice. I didn't like the silent threat underlying it.

I turned slowly and bowed my head, making sure to catch Gary's eye, "School, sir."

"Make sure that's it, you useless shit. Buy more coffee before you come home. Be on time."

"But how—"

"Make it happen. Be on fucking time," he cut me off. He grabbed a ten dollar bill out of his pocket and threw it at me. "Bring me the change and receipt."

I nodded.

"What?"

"Y-yes, sir."

"Get out."

I turned and scurried out the door, my whole body trembling. I took a deep breath and then was on my way.

The campus was completely mad at this time of day; loud voices bounced off the walls throughout the main building. I bit my lip and took deep breaths to try and calm myself down. I hated being in large crowds, but I hated being noticed even more. Being noticed was dangerous.

"Hey stranger! Where've you been all week?" I turned to see my friend Gilbert Beilschmidt with a large grin on his face. He was about average height (read: a bit taller than me) with crimson eyes and very fair hair. "You _so_ didn't show up at my party last night! That's completely unawesome."

I couldn't help but laugh and shook my head, "Gilbert, unawesome isn't even a word."

"Unawesome isn't even a word, he says! C'mon, you gotta get out and shit, live a little! Best years of your life and all that."

"Heh, right, best years. I thought that was high school," I commented.

"Nah, high school is so completely unawesome. Especially since I spent ninety-percent of it in detention."

"Of course," I replied drily. Just then my stomach decided to voice the fact that it hadn't been fed yet. My cheeks reddened in embarrassment.

Gilbert just grinned, "Hungry much? I gotta eat too! My roommates decided that adequate payback for tracking mud into the house and leaving my dirty dishes was to eat the last of my bagels. Seriously, not awesome."

I grimaced at what would happen to me if I did any of that and felt an involuntary shudder.

Gilbert cocked his head in concern, "OK there?"

"Yeah, fine fine, I'm good! Really! Just a bit cold. Stupid rain really cooled things off," I chirped.

Gilbert nodded and returned my smile, "Let's eat then! You've got time before class, right?"

I checked my watch, "Yup, about a half an hour."

He wrapped an arm around my upper back and pulled me towards one of the cafeterias, "Great. I gotta go find Elizaveta, she keeps texting me."

I laughed, "What'd you do now, Romeo?"

"Hey! What makes you think I did something?"

I shot him a look. He rolled his eyes, "Fine. I forgot our anniversary."

"Seriously? Gil man, that's pretty bad. You've only been dating, what? Six months?"

"Yeah! What the hell? I mean, why celebrate six months; aren't you supposed to wait for at least a year?" he protested.

"Well from what I've been told, you're supposed to celebrate once a month and then once you reach a year you can celebrate annually. Or something like that…I dunno, why don't you ask your brother? He's been dating Feliciano for like two years or something right?" I said thoughtfully.

"Yeah but you know what he's like, freaking anal-retentive about everything! No way awesome me would take advice from unawesome him."

"That's real nice, Gil," I said stifling a chuckle.

"That, my dear friend, is what brothers are for," Gilbert said, imparting his wisdom upon me.

"Right, as soon as I get a brother, I'll take heed."

"Dude, you're totally like my none-blood-related brother, just way more awesome than Ludwig because you actually have a sense of humour."

"Aw Gil! I had no idea you felt that way!" I gushed and slapped his arm lightly.

Gilbert turned red, "Dude, I am not gay. I am in a happy straight relationship with Elizaveta Héderváry."

"Suuuuure!" I laughed, "What about that Austrian guy? Roderich?"

Gilbert turned red, "That was harmless experimenting. I've moved on from that stage of my life."

"OK Gil, I believe you," I smiled. Gilbert really was a good friend. Of course, neither he nor any other of my friends or acquaintances knew anything about my home life and that is how it would stay.

Soon we reached the cafeteria and were happily munching on delicious buttered bagels and sipping hot coffee.

Between bites I asked Gilbert if Elizaveta was going to meet up with our small group of friends.

"Psht! No! Do you know what kind of drama will unfold?"

I shrugged, "I guess."

"You have no idea what it's like to deal with a finicky woman like her," Gilbert said.

I arched a brow, "Well obviously. I don't even like women…you know _like that_."

"Exactly. But it's OK Mattie, even though you can't give me hands-on advice, you're still my favourite none-blood-related brother."

"Gee, thanks. But you know, you should probably stop bad-mouthing your girl, you never know, she might hear you."

Gilbert shushed me and glanced around suspiciously, as if expecting the frying pan wielding Hungarian girl. "Phew!"

Spoke too soon.

"Ahem," someone cleared their throat and it was neither myself nor Gilbert.

"She's right behind me, isn't she?" Gilbert asked, already knowing the answer, I imagine he probably felt his girlfriend's stare piercing his back.

"Um…yeah, she uh, she just got here," I said in a whisper.

Gilbert turned and grinned at the brown-haired girl, her hands were fisted and on her hips; one hand had her frying pan. Her green eyes were narrowed in a glare as she studied her boyfriend.

"Do you know what day yesterday was?" she asked in a low voice.

"Erm well uh yeah about that… I have a surprise for you!" Gilbert blurted.

I'm pretty sure he didn't really so I was curious to see what would come out of his mouth next. Elizaveta arched a brow as if she was pondering the same thing.

"Oh really? Pray tell, what is it?" she asked, doubtful.

"Um well…I can't tell you! It's a surprise after all." Gilbert looked pleased with himself.

"Well seeing as our anniversary day was _yesterday_, why am I still waiting?" she looked almost ready to relinquish her weapon.

"Um because….because uh well—"

"Hey guys! Great party last night, Gil!" came a voice from behind me. It was Tino Väinämöinen.

I smiled and gave a quiet hello. I happened to glance at Elizaveta and swore I saw a vein pulse over he left brow. My smile faded. Uh oh.

"Party? Is that part of the surprise?" the Hungarian's voice held a threatening tone.

Tino smiled, "I dunno about any surprises but there was a ton of booze! Good times!"

Just when I thought Elizaveta was going to bash in both her boyfriend's and Tino's heads in, Berwald Oxenstierna pressed a palm over his boyfriend's mouth.

"L't's g't s'mething t'eat," he rumbled quietly.

"But Berwaaaaaaaaald…"

The couple wandered off towards the cafeteria.

Elizaveta looked like she was still about to burst a blood vessel so I quickly excused myself, "Uh Gil, I'll talk to you later, eh? Bye Elizaveta, it was nice to see you."

Gilbert looked like I had just committed the ultimate betrayal, which it probably was considering his melodramatics. No doubt I'd be hearing about it later. Elizaveta spared a smile for me as I took my leave. Nice girl, a little off-balance but nice.

I sighed, if I didn't live in a soap opera… Of course, if I knew what or more precisely who, was coming into my life very soon, I probably would have meekly stayed in my shell and simply enjoyed everyone else's sticky drama. And I certainly would not have secretly longed for a companion to love and have their love in return.

I made my way to class, checking the time. Shit, I was late.

Spanish 1085. The teacher, Antonio Carriedo (a master's student), was kind of cute, but he totally had a thing going on with Romano Vargas (Feliciano's older brother). They were entertaining when in the same room to say the least. Gilbert's words, though I have to say I quite agree. As for the class, I was taking it for my humanities requirement. French would have been easier for me to take since I took it for nine years through grade school and high school—something required in English-speaking Canada—but the course was full when I tried to register. C'est la vie.

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a/n: Haha I'm so excited about this fic, I had to continue. Obviously there is an element of humour in this fiction, it's really hard for me to fathom writing any Hetalia fiction without it seeing as the show itself is entirely a parody of history. I'll unveil more characters as the story progresses, but don't worry, Matthew is still my main character. Alfred will be making an appearance soon! If anyone has any suggestions, review and tell me! I might end up using some. ;) By the way, like my foreshadowing? Huh? Huh? :D

Also! I've never written Berwald's accent so hopefully it looked OK. Translated it means: "Let's get something to eat." But I suspect it was pretty straight forward.

I'd love to hear your over all thoughts, guys!


	3. Chapter 3

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter

Disclaimer: see first chapter

A/n: Glad to see some people are enjoying the story. I'm introducing more characters in this chapter! I really love the whole cast (the ones that I know of anyway) so I'll try to get in as many characters as possible, but do keep in mind Matthew's not really the most outgoing person so he won't know everyone and the story will continue to be from his point of view.

* * *

I was so bored. Don't get me wrong, Spanish is fun to learn and definitely interesting. I especially enjoyed the cultural tidbits we'd pick up about festivals and holidays like _Feria de Abril__(1)_ and such. But sitting through a three hour class was a bit much, even for me. We were just going over some new irregular verbs that had appeared in our reading this past week when the entrance door was thrown open. Loudly.

Everyone turned and glanced at who had disrupted the class. It was Romano Vargas; apparently his first name is actually Lovino but he had a tendency of kicking those who used it in the shins. Our Spanish teacher, Antonio Carriedo, evidently was immune to such treatment as he continued to call the other man by that very name.

Regardless, Romano had disrupted the class and I suspect it wasn't because he was bored; he looked downright pissed off. Joy. See? This is my life. I was hoping we wouldn't have to sit through the unfolding drama but just as Antonio grinned and exclaimed, "Lovi!" I knew it was going to be a while.

"What the hell is wrong with you, tomato bastard?" shouted the smaller man as he stomped forward in his fancy Italian leather shoes.

"Aww Lovi! You're so cute! Can we talk about this later? You see, I'm teaching these—"

Evidently that was the wrong thing to say because Romano cut him off, his left eye twitching in anger.

"Later? LATER? You fucking forgot my goddamn birthday and you want to talk about this LATER?" yelled the hazel-eyed man outraged.

What is up with everyone forgetting special days? I wondered. Seriously, it can't be that hard. If I ever dated someone I'd never forget that sort of thing, I resolved.

"Lovi, I didn't forget! I had something planned later today!" Antonio said jovially.

"You're so full of it! I know you forgot, tomato bastard. You're just making shit up so I won't be mad!"

"Lovi… hang on a minute," Antonio said in a placating tone before turning back to the class, "You're dismissed! Read chapters four and five for next week and complete the exercises!"

With that everyone sighed, shook their heads and gathered their things, myself included. Romano didn't look pleased. He violently kicked the Spaniard in the shins when he finally reached the man.

Antonio winced but grabbed his boyfriend around the waist and pulled him close; it looked like he was murmuring into his ear. And whatever was said was fairly suggestive because the Italian's olive-tinted cheeks reddened.

I grabbed my knapsack sitting in one of the empty seats next to me and followed the crowd swarming the lecture hall stairs. Geez, I hate first year classes! They're always completely packed! I took a deep breath to release that anxiety building in my chest but in doing so tripped up the stairs. Shit, I thought belatedly, that's going to hurt. But just as I lurched forward a strong arm caught me under the arms from right side and stopped my fall. Pain bloomed across my stomach; those bruises hurt something fierce. But upon realising I was still being held by a stranger, my face heated in embarrassment. I took a deep breath and looked into a pair of bright, albeit blurry, blue eyes. I squinted.

"OK there?" the owner of said entrancing blue eyes asked.

"Uhhh—yeah, yeah. I'm OK," I murmured, "Uh…th-thanks."

The gorgeous blue-eyed man smiled at me, "No problem!"

I was still in shock when the man handed me my glasses. They must have flown off when I fell. I wasn't even really aware, but when I put them on, the man looked even more gorgeous. He also wore glasses and he was quite a bit taller than me. He had fair skin and hair (a lighter shade of blonde than my own strawberry blond), though it was much straighter than mine. Probably gelled. His clothes were tight-fitting and really flattered his larger frame. I licked my lips subconsciously and turned red when he murmured, "Take a picture, it'll last longer."

"Ah! Thanks! I mean sorry! I um, I-I gotta go- to uh- to class!" I stuttered as I quickly tried to rush past him. Gods, so embarrassing!

"Hey wait!"

I slowed and wondered if I shouldn't just dig myself dark hole somewhere on campus and bury myself in it for all eternity. I turned to look at him and cocked my head to the side curiously.

He smiled, "I'm Alfred! Alfred Jones."

"Uh…Matthew Williams," I replied quietly shaking the proffered hand. He had long fingers and warm, smooth hands...

"Cool! You know, I'm new here. Would you be able to show me around sometime?"

"Um, s-sure. I-I guess," I stammered.

We were kind of looking into each others' eyes and just as we'd lost ourselves in this moment, I realised we were still in the lecture hall. With yelling going on in the background.

"AND ANOTHER THING!—"

"Aww Lovi, let's go home, I just bought these organic tomatoes…" the Spanish man suggested in a seductive voice.

I arched a brow, no, I decided, I definitely didn't want to know. Alfred glanced at the arguing couple and shrugged. We both took our leave.

Once outside in the main hall, the rest of the students were emptying out of all the lecture halls and classrooms. I was almost bowled over a couple of times as I followed Alfred out the door. And on a more tragic note, somehow got separated from my saviour; I sighed sadly until a familiar green-eyed, cross-dressing blond crossed my path with his brunet boyfriend.

"Oh my god! What _are_ you wearing, Matthew? Seriously, we need to do something about this fashion faux pas!" my Polish friend, Feliks Łukasiewicz, admonished.

I gave him a wry smile as he hugged me, "Hey Feliks, how are you?"

"I'm fabulous! And so's Toris! We went out last night to this hot new bar downtown that just opened!"

Toris Lorinaitis gave me a smile and wave as he glanced down at his excitable boyfriend.

"You should totally like come with us next time!" Feliks rambled on, "We totally have to hook you up—you're looking really pale these days. If you had a boyfriend, you like totally wouldn't be! But like, a little makeup never hurts!"

I laughed, "Thanks Feliks, I'll keep that in mind."

"And like, what was with that expression when we saw you?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah we totally caught that! You totally met someone!" Feliks gushed.

"Did he get away?" Toris spoke up.

"Uh um… well I dunno…we're just acquaintances…uh you see I tripped and he uh—"

"Oh. My. God. He like, totally caught you! That is like _soooo_ romantic! Did you get his number?" Feliks asked.

"Um… no?" Feliks looked like his eyes were going to fall out of their sockets, so I quickly amended, "But I got his name!"

Feliks sighed and crossed his arms, "Not as good as a number but I can work with that. Don't worry; I'll track down loverboy for you."

"Hey Feliks," Toris interjected with a glance at his watch, "I have class now…"

"Alright hun, we're going," Feliks said, giving his boyfriend a quick kiss on the lips and then turned to me, "Text me his name, OK? Don't worry; I've made a resolution to help the needy!"

"Well-what? Hey! I'm not really in _need_!" I protested. Geez, condescending much?

"I know you think you're not, but this is how I can help people! I'm fabulous at matchmaking. Who do you think set up Roderich and Gilbert?"

"Really? They uh… broke up…kind of a while ago," I said as tactfully as I could.

"Well that's because Gilbert is like, a difficult person. I am totally not responsible for that!"

I smiled, "Uh well, he's been with Elizaveta for a while now; I guess she can put up with him."

"Well at least someone can!"

"Feliks—" Toris said quietly.

"OK OK, we're like going!" the blond kissed his boyfriend on the lips again and waved to me as they strolled away.

It freaked me out how much Feliks seemed to guess about that whole incident with Alfred. He was probably watching the whole thing or something. Either that or too many romance novels and knowing Feliks, that notion was entirely possible.

I sighed and went to my next class. I pulled out my phone and sent Feliks my hero's name. I really didn't have much faith in seeing him again though, not because of Feliks, but honestly, I'm kind of useless, what would Alfred see in me?

* * *

Later on, when my classes finished up for the day, I had just enough time to watch the intramural hockey team play; I made my way into the arena conveniently located on campus. Although, I reflected, I had to leave early to get the coffee and get home in time. Fortunately, Gary while his mood was rather volatile and unpredictable, he wasn't always that harsh towards me. Goodness knows I'd probably have taken drastic measures to end my life or something if it were always like last night had been. No, sometimes Gary was nice to me and we'd go for ice cream and stuff like that. He did care, he just had a hard time showing it and a tough day at work never improved those chances. He only hurt me when I deserved it so it was OK(2). I mean, it hurt and stuff, but I've always been fine in the end…well besides those times at the hospital but I was fine after a few days. Gary even let me watch TV!

Just then, the sound of a puck hitting one of the boards jolted me out of my thoughts. I smiled. I loved hockey; I had always wanted to play but I could barely afford to be in school, never mind buy expensive equipment and join the hockey team. So I watched. It also gave me a good chance to get some of my work done, but mostly I couldn't take my eyes off the game. I suppose I was kind of a cheerleader, a very quiet, shy cheerleader who stayed hidden behind the bleachers.

I watched the men's hockey team skate to and fro, passing the puck between one another. It was so cool to watch! Ivan Braginsky, a Russian exchange student, was one of the toughest players on the team. He played centre forward. He was really giving the other team a run for their money. I watched as he zoomed around the ice toward his opponent's net, received a pass of the puck from his left winger and shot it straight into the corner of the net! The team cheered each other on and I smiled…at least until I felt like holes were being drilled into my forehead. I looked around and caught a pair of flashing dark blue eyes, a glare settled on me. Some strange blond girl (she had a bow in it, as well) was sitting on one of the bleachers on the other side of the ice; she was giving me the creeps. I felt a shiver run down my spine and decided it was time to go.

* * *

I had just picked the coffee up off the shelf at the convenience store when I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket. I flipped open the phone when I saw that it was Feliks' text message.

_Hey Matt_, it read, _found your loverboy. Name: Alfred Jones. Status: Graduate student studying law. Places he is likely to be spotted: Grad Lounge, McDonald's and fitness centre. Matt, he is like seriously hot! If you like won't take him then I totally will! Haha! Just kidding._

My face suddenly felt warm and I couldn't help myself grinning. Even though the chances of anything actually working out were bleak, I couldn't help but remember those entrancing bright blue eyes and the way it felt when he held me… Oh goodness!

I texted a reply back to Feliks in gratitude, although I really didn't know if I'd even follow through with seeking out Alfred and at least making friends with the guy. I bit my lip nervously and decided to think on the issue later. It was time to get home; I had a half hour before I'd be considered 'late'.

* * *

a/n: And that's all she wrote! Today, that is lol. :D Please please please review guys! I love to hear your thoughts; it's encouraging to know what my readers are thinking and well, are actually reading this haha. Merci beaucoup!

1 According to a tourist website called Spanish-Living, "One of Spain's most impressive fiestas is the April fair of Seville (_Feria de Abril_) the achingly romantic capital of Andalucia is transformed into a fairytale world of tented pavilions, costumed equestrian riders and flamboyant flamenco dancing. The elaborate week-long event started as a humble livestock market in the mid 19th century and now attracts more than one million visitors a year from all over the world."

2 Note from the author: Matthew is a victim trapped inside an abusive situation and doesn't see what is really happening. Abuse is never OK.


	4. Chapter 4

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter

Disclaimer: see first chapter

A/n: Just a quick thank you very much for all the wonderful reviews/comments, favourites and story alerts. 'Tis very much appreciated! Now onwards…

* * *

I was a bit sweaty when I got home that night; my bangs stuck to my forehead and I was out of breath from the run up the six flights of stairs to the apartment. And I noticed something odd. The lights were all off. Usually Gary migrated from his work to home, and, finally, to the worn couch. The air was thick and heavy though, it smelt of booze and something else. Suddenly I heard a moan. Oh gods. He must have company, I thought feeling put off. Yeah, I know, I should be over it. I'm nineteen for crying out loud. But the thought of my step-dad hooking up with some stranger…I don't know, it kind of made me nauseous. I suspected it was one of those natural aversions youths have when it came to their frisky parents or something. Not that Gary was frisky… Ew. Just ew.

I decided to sit outside the apartment door until his guest left. Quietly I retraced my steps to said door and went to pull it closed behind me. Except that I couldn't. The door flung open and I lost my balance and fell backwards. Next thing I knew, I was being pulled by my shirt collar by a strong, unrelenting grip. I gasped as the fabric choked me. The person who pulled me into the apartment smelt strongly of booze and sex and I gagged—both from the smell and the choking sensation. Then Gary's voice was right in my ear, "You're late. Get in."

"B-but there was ah-a lot of traffic…and uh… I-I thought you would want privacy…" I stammered.

"Fucking useless shit. Fine, get the fuck out. Find somewhere else to sleep tonight," the man said in a threatening tone.

"Y-yes sir," I said quietly, head bowed.

"Wait. Where's the coffee I sent you for?" he demanded.

"H-here." I rummaged through my knapsack while he stood over me waiting for one false move. My hands were shaking so it took me longer to get into my bag.

His hand struck out and gripped my free arm tightly, his fingers dug deep into my skin. "Hurry the fuck up!" he growled.

I handed him the new can of coffee, receipt and change as quickly as I could. He let go and shoved me. As my step-dad turned away, I sighed in relief right before he spun back around and elbowed me in the shoulder. I groaned as the expected pain erupted. I gazed up at him hurt.

"That's for being late," he sneered and stalked past the living room, dropping the coffee on the couch, and into his bedroom.

When I heard low voices from his bedroom, I relaxed slightly. I brought a hand to my injured shoulder and grimaced. Not wanting to risk Gary's volatile mood again, I picked up my knapsack and left the apartment.

He was just having a bad week, I told myself. Last week went really well, after all; we had gone out for dinner and afterwards he even gave me some spending money! This would pass, like all the other times, I knew this would pass. And everything would be good again. I just had to be more patient, more understanding. I had to be better. Being a single parent wasn't easy; Gary told me so. Our heart-to-heart conversations were far and few between, but we had them and he hugged me once or twice and it was nice. He did love me as his son, we only had each other after all.

I knew my home situation wasn't perfect by any means, but I also knew that not everyone else had it as hard as we did, so the consequences were obviously going to be different for me. Punishments hurt but I needed them; they would make me a better person. Maybe someday I'd be wanted by another person, I just had to become better and Gary was helping me to become better. If I had been better before, maybe Mom wouldn't have been taken away so young and I would have died instead. If I had been better before, maybe my real Dad would have stayed, he would have wanted me, and he wouldn't have left Mom before I was born. We could have been a happy family. But that's not what happened; I'd shed my tears over that many times and it never changed anything so there was no point in doing so now. I just had to become better. Even so, I couldn't help but feel hopeless; what if I never became better? What if Gary making me better wasn't enough? What if I needed more…treatment…to become better?

I sighed sadly; tears prickled at my eyes as I trudged down six flights of stairs. I vaguely wondered if I'd be able to crash at Gilbert's house. Being with my friends helped me get my mind off of these sorts of things. For the moments I spoke with Gilbert, Tino, Feliks, Toris and even Elizaveta, I didn't have to think about being better and how badly I was doing in that quest. How I was trying but failing. I rubbed my eyes and temples, attempting to alleviate the tension building up into a major headache, and breathed. I pushed open the door to exit the apartment building and cautiously looked around. My neighbourhood wasn't exactly the safest place to walk around in at night. I wrapped my arms around myself and focused on keeping my eyes in front of me making sure not to stare directly at anyone milling about the streets. I bit my lip thoughtfully before I decided to go to the library; it was still open and I had homework to do.

After several hours hunched over my books, I sat up straight, trying to correct my poor posture and get the crick out of my neck. My bruises were bothering me too so I figured I'd put some more Arnica on them. Thankfully I had the hindsight to carry it on my person at all times. I packed up my books and went to the bathroom. I drank some water from the sink in an attempt to fill my empty stomach. I pondered a thought about the last time I'd eaten. I checked my watch; hmm, about seven hours. I quickly fiddled with my hair before pulling out my phone to call Gilbert.

"Yo! How's my favourite Canadian doing?" came a cheerful voice.

I smiled wryly, "I'm good. Hey listen, can I crash at your house? My step-dad has company over and I don't want to be a bother…But if it's too much trouble, it's OK—"

Gilbert cut me off and admonished, "Sheesh, I don't know where you get those thoughts but get them out of your head, man! You're always welcome here! Haven't I told you that ten million times already?"

"Oh I-I know, b-but I don't want to impose… You know, short notice…" I trailed off, I knew I sounded stupid.

"Nah, it's cool. Come on over. Where you at?"

"Library. Had to get some work done," I replied.

"Cool. So I'll see you soon then?" Gilbert asked.

"Yeah, I'm just leaving now."

"'K then. Bye!"

"Bye," I echoed and hung up my phone.

I glanced at myself one last time and sighed at my drab appearance. My hair looked lanky and one errant curl wouldn't stay flat. I fiddled with it until it became apparent that it was a failed attempt. I bit my lip and turned on my heel.

It was chilly outside. I could see my breath in the air. I rubbed my cold hands together before shoving them deep into my pockets and walked to Gilbert's house. It wasn't too far that I needed to take a bus, but I still had a twenty-minute walk.

I had reached the next cross walk and pressed the 'walk' button when I heard some rustling in the alleyway nearby. I frowned and looked into the alleyway to see what had made the noise. Maybe someone was in trouble? Not that I could do much but still! If I could do one brave thing in my entire life, helping someone in a scary situation would be it. I felt stupid for my logic but gritted my teeth in resolve. I crept towards the alley and squinted to see the down the dimly lit street; there was only one streetlight to light up the area. More rustling. I crept forward, my whole body was shaking; this was really stupid. I swallowed and walked towards the garbage cans—that's where the noise seemed to be coming from. I reached forward.

Suddenly something sprung out of the can and attached itself to the front of my hoodie! Claws dug through my sweater and into my skin. I shrieked.

I backed into the brick wall behind me and tried to shake the thing clawing me loose. Shit! Finally it was yanked off of me and I opened my eyes. It was a cat! And more importantly, there was someone else in the alleyway—standing directly in front of me.

"Hey, are you OK?"

"Uh yeah, I uh-I'm fine," I was still shaking like a leaf. I tried to back away, not seeing the stranger's features in the dimly lit alley.

"Hey it's OK, you're Matthew right? We met today. I'm Alfred, remember?" he introduced himself.

My eyebrows shot up and I couldn't help but smile. My hero. Again.

"Oh yes! Th-thank you. A-again," I stuttered, warmth flooded my cheeks.

"Sure! No problem. I heard some noise down here and then you screamed and I had to investigate. Saving the day is what I do best!" he said proudly.

I tried to resist the urge to giggle but it slipped out anyway. I covered my mouth in embarrassment and studied the ground as if it were the most fascinating thing I'd ever seen.

I was shaken out of my stare when a smooth, warm hand cupped my cheek. My eyes rose from the ground and were caught by bright blue eyes.

"You have a cute laugh," Alfred said, a smile curved his lips. And as if he'd realised he had just voiced that out loud, his cheeks turned pink. They matched my own.

Alfred let go of my cheek and took a casual step back. I bit my lip and looked up at him from under my bangs.

The taller man cleared his throat and glanced down at my ruined hoodie, "Um, do you want a ride home?"

I followed his eyes and saw the mess that was my favourite hoodie; I felt disheartened at that. But replied slowly, "It's OK, I w-was headed to my friend's house…I can probably borrow something to wear."

He frowned, "You sure? I can bring you to your house, you can change your clothes and then I can take you to your friend's house."

I looked at him uncertainly, "I-I d-don't even know you…"

Alfred's eyes widened, "Right! Right…uh well my Dad's waiting across the street. We were at McDonald's and I saw you…"

I nodded slowly in understanding and replied, "I think it might be better if I just went to my friend's house."

The other man glanced at me thoughtfully and scratched his chin. "OK then. I can still drive you if you want. This neighbourhood is kinda sketchy."

I gave him a grateful smile and nodded. We made our way across the street to the aromatic fast food place. I contemplated buying myself something to eat and decided a salad and French fries would be perfect.

"D-do you mind if I buy something here?" I asked haltingly.

The blond glanced at me and smiled, "Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted something."

I blushed and nodded.

This wasn't exactly my favourite place to eat, but I was feeling rather faint at the moment so I didn't really care.

We walked up to the counter and Alfred waved to someone already seated; his dad I assumed. I followed Alfred's gaze and saw a stocky looking blond tapping his fingers on the table impatiently.

I glanced up at Alfred, "You know, I-I could just eat later…"

Of course, didn't a wave of dizziness come over me right then and there. Alfred reacted quickly; he wrapped one arm around my back and hooked it under my armpit to hold me up. My face heated up in embarrassment as the small commotion apparently caught the attention of some of the restaurant employees.

"Is he OK?"

I looked up, "F-fine! Don't worry!"

Alfred led me over to his and his dad's table and made me sit down. Still red, I protested, "I-I'm OK! Just a little dizzy."

I made to get up but Alfred said quickly, "Matthew, sit. I'm gonna grab you something to eat. What would you like?"

I sighed and sat back, "Just a salad and a small fry." I handed him the money but he handed it back.

"Let me. Please. I want to," Alfred said in a pleading tone and stopped my eruption of protests.

"Ahem."

Alfred grinned at the man sitting across from us, "Mattie? Can I call you that?"

I nodded absently.

"OK, Mattie, this is Arty Kirkland! My Dad!"

"Arthur," the man corrected shooting Alfred a look.

Alfred grinned mischievously and left us to get the food. Arthur was looking at me oddly; I bit my lip and looked away self-consciously.

"So, you're a student at the university?" Arthur asked after a moment of silence. He had a British accent.

"Y-yeah," I replied nervously.

Arthur nodded awkwardly, "What are you studying?"

"Uh-I'm an English major and Canadian History minor."

The green-eyed man cracked a small smile, "Very interesting!"

I nodded.

"What do you want to do after you graduate?"

"Travel," I replied instantly. "And maybe teach."

"Here's the grub!" Alfred suddenly cut in.

"Oh! Th-thank you!" I dumped a heap of ketchup on my fries and began eating.

Alfred just grinned.

Arthur glanced at his son and cleared his throat, "I have some work to do; I'll be taking my leave."

"Aww Artyyyy! You're no fun!" Alfred whined.

Arthur rolled his eyes and stood. He looked at me and shook my hand, "It was nice to meet you. Take care."

The Brit spared one last glance at Alfred, "Be good. I'll phone you tomorrow."

* * *

A/n: Yeah I know I kind of ended that mid-scene but this is a really long chapter! I'll post the next one soon. And lastly, I'd love to hear your thoughts!


	5. Chapter 5

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter

Disclaimer: see first chapter

Author's notes: Thank you again everyone! Enjoy this chapter.

* * *

I sipped the ice water Alfred had gotten me. It felt nice on my tongue. I was just sitting with my new friend and enjoying my food when my cell phone started vibrating. I pulled it from my pocket. Damn, I forgot. I was supposed to be headed to Gilbert's house. I was really going to hear it now.

"Um…would you uh...excuse me a minute?" I asked Alfred.

He nodded but his face held a note of concern, "You're not going to pass out?"

I blushed, "I told you! I was just a little dizzy…I'm really fine now though. Really."

Alfred put his hands up in an innocent gesture, "Hey you don't have to ask or anything. Go on."

I hesitated but Alfred just smiled and shook his head.

It wasn't until I reached the restaurant doors that I answered my phone. A loud voice was suddenly shouting into my sensitive ear and I pulled the phone about a dozen centimetres away from it, wincing.

"MATT! Matt! Are you OK? I'll kill the bastard who took you hostage! Some fucker's gonna die tonight!" Gilbert bellowed.

"Gilbert!" I tried to shout over his voice but ultimately had to wait 'til he was done his rant.

"And once I've got my hands on him, I'll cut him up and string him up by his own innards. If he thought Saw was scary, he hasn't seen the awesome me in action!"

I sighed. "Gilbert? Are you done yet? I appreciate you defending my honour and all but I'm really OK. Nothing bad happened."

"Matt! Why didn't you say so?"

I sighed again and protested weakly, "But I did, you just—"

"You don't have to lie for the creep! I know!"

My heart dropped like a stone and an icy feeling crept through my veins. "W-what? Know? Know what?"

"That some evil beast has you and is taking advantage of your innocence as we speak!" Gilbert yammered on dramatically. I silently breathed a sigh of relief.

I snorted, "Innocence? I'm not some helpless damsel in distress, Gil."

"So you're really OK?" Gilbert asked cautiously.

"Didn't I just say that? I-I'm fine! A-and even if what you're suggesting were the case, do you really think I'd be allowed to talk to you?" I asked irritated.

"Er…well I hadn't thought of that…but uh, no. I guess not."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sorry that I'm late. I'm coming by soon."

"Why _are_ you late anyway? That's weird for you," Gilbert said suspiciously.

"Uhm…well uh…Alfred, he uh…ran into me and bought me dinner—"

"Hold on. Who's Alfred?"

I smacked my forehead lightly. Right, Gilbert didn't know about Alfred yet. So I quickly

explained everything that had happened in regards to meeting Alfred the first time (at school) and second time (the alley).

"Hmph. How do you know you can even trust this guy? What if he poisoned your food?"

"Gilbert, he didn't. H-he seems like a good guy," I explained, not really knowing why I was defending someone I had just met so adamantly.

"But how do you _know_?" Gilbert grilled me.

"I-I suppose that…I don't really know," I replied honestly. "I just have the sense that he's more like I dunno…a hero than a villain."

"Matt?" Gilbert asked.

"What?"

"Is he _your_ hero?"

My face flushed. "Gilbert!"

"Whaaaaaat? It was just a question," the German protested innocently. He was anything but innocent.

"You're being a douche. Cut it out," I pouted.

Gilbert laughed, "I'm just teasing. You're so idealistic sometimes."

"And you actually have moments when you sound intelligent," I muttered.

"Hey!"

"Moment gone," I laughed.

"That was mean! You wound me!" Gilbert cried.

I smiled wryly, "Sorry. You're still awesome."

"Well duh. Of course I'm awesome. And you are too, when you're not being a cranky bitch."

"Hey!" I cried, affronted.

I could practically hear him shrug and grin at me. I shook my head and felt my lips curve into a small smile.

"So Gilbert, now that you know that I'm not in mortal danger and will be delivered to your front door without a scratch, can I let you go? I'm being kind of rude here."

"I suppose awesome me could be even more awesome if I let you go back to your loverboy," he teased.

"Oh how gracious of you," I threw back, cheeks reddening at the 'loverboy' comment. "I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

"Later."

I shook my head and put my phone away. I looked up and caught Alfred's eye. He had his opened knapsack in the chair next to him, dense volumes were poking out the top and one of them was strewn across the table. I bit my lip and sat down in front of the other man.

"Sorry about that. My friend was worried something happened to me," I said quietly.

Alfred looked happy enough with that and replied, "Then you've got a good friend."

I smiled back at him, "Yeah, I guess I do."

"Shall we get going?" he asked.

I nodded and picked up my garbage and my knapsack while he picked up his things. "Th-thanks again. I appreciate everything you're doing."

The blue-eyed man looked puzzled for a moment and then shrugged, "I haven't really done much."

"But you have!" I protested suddenly, my mouth was speaking my thoughts before I analysed them. I blushed a little. "You have," I amended quietly and smiled.

"Do-"Alfred started and then cleared his throat, "do you want to go out with me sometime?"

My eyes rose to my hairline and my mouth dropped slightly, "B-but aren't we out now?"

Alfred's eyes widened and he grinned slowly, "Oh if I were to take you out it wouldn't be here. Though I do love McDonald's, they make my favourite food, hamburgers, of course), I would take you somewhere really nice. Classy."

I didn't know what to say really; I opened my mouth and nothing came out. My cheeks were aflame. And I just kept wondering one thing: _why_?

Alfred smiled, "Only if you want of course…let me know later." Then he pulled out a card with a messily hand-written cell phone number scrawled across the back and pressed it into my palm. He guided me out the door towards his car. He opened my door for me and closed it gently once I got in. Maybe he was an angel, I wondered absently, and his orders were to be nice to me. I can't imagine any other good reason he'd want to go out with me. And on a sadder note, I wasn't sure if I should be going out with him…I was a pretty private person, especially with my home life. I sighed and resolved not to think about it.

Alfred parked in front of Gilbert's shabby student-lived in house. He glanced at me and nodded. "So uh…yeah…give me a call, you know, if you want. You _did_ promise to show me around the school so..." he trailed off, uncharacteristically uncertain.

"W-we should meet up next Tuesday after my class. I-if you can. I only have one class that day from 1 'til 3," I said in a rush.

Alfred grinned happily, "OK. That sounds really good."

My cheeks felt warm but giddiness sprung up within me. I nodded and got out of the car, "G-goodnight."

"Goodnight," Alfred echoed and he waved to me. It made me kind of happy he didn't try to do anything else like hug me or hold my hand. It almost felt safe.

That night I couldn't help but feel excited about the following week. It made it really difficult to sleep, well, so did Gilbert's endless parade of questions about my 'date' with Alfred. We stayed up late playing Nintendo. It was nice to just to relax and not worry about anything. I showered the next morning and Gilbert offered me some clothes to wear for that day. It felt nice to be clean again.

* * *

It was on Sunday when I finally had a chance to go the school's art studio to paint. My mom had been a very talented artist, and while I was nowhere close to her range of talent, I liked to paint. It was relaxing to me.

I reached the studio early in the afternoon on my way back from the library. I'd told my step-dad that I had a lot of homework to do and that I'd be out all afternoon. He told me I could go if I bought the groceries on Monday before giving me a hug. Sometimes the affectionate version of him scared me more than the violent, angry version of him. Especially when he'd been drinking. Luckily, he hadn't been so I got away unscathed. I didn't mind buying the groceries though; I needed to buy more Arnica anyway.

I felt calm as I walked into the studio and set up my paints and canvas on one of the easels. I used to save up for all the art supplies I'd accumulated over the years and I was fortunate to have found quite a few of them at garage sales and the like. Most of the stuff I painted I ended up painting over with gesso(1) and the primer coat to reuse the few canvases I had as many times as possible. But I eventually caved into Gilbert's pestering to photograph the paintings I did, to have some recollection. Not that it mattered.

I was waiting for the gesso to dry when I heard voices echoing outside the hallways. I bit my lip nervously; the studio was accessible to the art students of course, so I certainly couldn't complain if they wanted to come in and use the room.

The door opened two guys came into the room. The shorter, auburn-haired young man who strongly resembled a rather temperamental Italian was bouncing excitedly while the other, a rather tall, muscular blond followed much more subdued.

"Ve~ I'm going to paint a masterpiece!" the brunet said in a bubbly tone. "And Ludwig will be so proud!"

The tall blond cracked a very small smile at that and nodded.

My attention was pulled from the pair as my pallet, which had been balancing vicariously on the edge of my easel toppled onto the floor.

"Shit," I whispered quietly to myself. The pallet had landed face down so that all my paints were now on the floor. Annoyed, I picked up the pallet and grimaced. Why oh why? I thought, feeling like Murphy's Law was perpetually invading my life.

"Ve~ did you hear something, Ludwig?"

I heard two sets of footsteps coming my way and looked up from where I was kneeling on the floor.

"Er…hi," I said quietly. I knew them through my interactions with Gilbert but not very well. We were more like acquaintances.

"Who are you?" asked the rather ditzy brunet, he was gazing at me with wide golden-coloured eyes.

"It's Gilbert's friend, Feli," Ludwig told his boyfriend. He looked at me, "Right?"

"Uh, y-yeah. I'm Matthew."

"Hello Matthew! I'm Feliciano Vargas!"

I smiled at that and stood to shake his hand, "Y-yes, we did meet before. But hello again."

"Ve~ we did?"

I nodded.

Feliciano grinned broadly and looked at my pallet on the floor, "What have you done to your paints?"

"Uh, they f-fell," I replied, feeling disheartened.

"Oh no! That's terrible! You can borrow some of my paints," he told me kindly.

"Oh, I-I couldn't! But th-thank you!"

"Why not?" Feliciano cocked his head curiously.

"W-well they're expensive and I wouldn't want you to run out," I protested.

"Ve~ it's OK! I have lots of paints!"

Anymore protests were stopped by Feliciano's insistence as he rummaged through his art bag for a few tubes of paint, as well as the look I got from Ludwig. I also didn't want to offend the kind Italian man.

Feliciano smiled and handed me the three primary colours and I thanked him. He turned and bounced away towards another easel in the classroom to set up his own project. Ludwig gave a wry smile and sat next to his happy boyfriend. I watched how they interacted and felt a stab of envy. They were just so comfortable around each other; even though Ludwig seemed to have trouble showing his emotions in an obvious manner to the affectionate Italian; it wasn't a hindrance to their relationship from what I could see. Feliciano chattered away in a lively, affectionate manner, as if making up for Ludwig's anti-social tendency. But I also noticed that Ludwig was subtly affectionate, listening to his boyfriend so intently and responding in his own way. I felt like that sort of love was so very far away from me.

It was nearing dinner hour when I finally looked up from my painting. I was rendering a hockey player in a photograph I had. It was rather messy and still needed a lot of work but the act of painting made me feel like I was connecting with my mom in my own way. I also felt like everything in my life was OK, at least for the moment.

"Ve~ this is very nice!" a voice called out from behind me. I jumped.

"Oh uh-um th-thanks!"

Ludwig appeared beside Feliciano and nodded in agreement.

"Want to see mine?" the brunet asked.

"S-sure!"

He pulled me by the arm, which was irritated at the moment by the smattering of bruises, towards his easel. I winced and sucked the air through my teeth; he showed me his painting and I nodded. "I-it's amazing!"

It really was; it was an architectural landscape with vibrant yellows and reds and browns using perfected techniques of _chiaroscuro_(2) in some areas and _sfumato_(3) in others.

"Ve~ thank you! But, Matthew, are you OK? Did I hurt your arm?" worried golden eyes looked at me worriedly.

"N-no! I-I'm fine; I bumped my arm when I fell out of bed the other day," I lied.

"Oh no! You should put ice on it. I've fallen out of bed before. Ludwig made me feel better though!"

The blond blushed furiously and cleared his throat, "Feli, what did we discuss about uh-sharing that sort of thing?"

Feliciano put a finger to his lips thoughtfully, "That we shouldn't share intimate details with strangers? But Ludwig! Matthew's our friend!"

The blond blushed again and rolled his eyes. "I'm sure he doesn't want to hear about it, Feli."

"Ve~ you don't?" Feliciano asked, looking at me wide-eyed.

"Oh um… well uh, it's OK. B-but I gotta get going. I have to make dinner," I explained slightly embarrassed.

The Italian made a sad face at that and Ludwig cut him off before he could say anything, "It was nice to see you again."

"L-likewise," I replied and shook his hand.

Feliciano launched himself at me and gave me a warm hug. I patted his back trying not to panic at the sudden touch.

"You must come to our house and have pasta sometime!"

I gave the brunet a small smile and nodded, "I-I'd like that, thank you. A-and thank you again letting me use your paints."

"Oh! You can keep them!"

"Oh no, they're yours," I insisted firmly and handed him the paints. At his sad look I quickly said, "We can hang out again and I'll borrow them then."

This seemed to satisfy the shorter man and he grinned and waved goodbye. I smiled took my leave. It had been a good day, I thought happily. Maybe Gary would still be in a good mood! I thought optimistically as I hopped on the bus home. I was going to give Alfred a tour of the school on Tuesday and I had just made two friends, I felt as if I were on top of the world.

* * *

a/n: thoughts?

1 Gesso is a white liquid plaster used in preparing a canvas prior to applying paint.

2 _Chiaroscuro_, according to Wikipedia,"…refers to the fine art painting modeling effect of using a strong contrast between light and dark to give the illusion of depth or three-dimensionality. This comes from the Italian words meaning light (chiaro) and dark (scuro), a technique which came into wide use in the Baroque Period.; Sfumato is the opposite of chiaroscuro."

3 _Sfumato_, according to Wikipedia, "…was coined by Italian Renaissance artist, Leonardo da Vinci, and refers to a fine art painting technique of blurring or softening of sharp outlines by subtle and gradual blending of one tone into another through the use of thin glazes to give the illusion of depth or three-dimensionality. This stems from the Italian word sfumare meaning to evaporate or to fade out. The Latin origin is fumare, to smoke."


	6. Chapter 6

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter; also this chapter will contain sexually explicit material, and not in a good way but rather non-con/rape.

Disclaimer: see first chapter

A/n: Thanks again to all my readers' comments, favourites and story alerts.

* * *

I was in such a good mood I didn't notice how unerringly quiet the apartment was until it was too late.

I riffled through my pockets for my keys, smile still firmly in place. I opened the door and closed it behind me. And for no good reason at all, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It was really quiet but I could hear some deep breathing. Slowly I turned and found I was gazing directly into the cold eyes of my step-dad. He was barely three feet away when he launched forward and grabbed me around the neck.

Gasping, I struggled against his firm grip, my hands came up to his wrists to try and pry myself loose. Fear invaded me and I began to panic. He just squeezed harder and my lungs were screaming for air, but I couldn't make a sound. My vision was swimming and I felt faint. I was going to die!

I struggled harder but the lack of air had weakened me. Suddenly I felt a punch to the stomach and then several more until I couldn't breathe anymore.

* * *

I gasped as I sucked in as much air as possible. I found myself sprawled on the floor of my step-dad's bedroom. It hurt to open my eyes. They might have been black and blue for all I knew. I forced one eye open because I needed to see if anyone was around. Everything hurt.

Suddenly I heard the bedroom door open. And then a belt buckle. Panic filled me and I teared up. No. Oh gods, no!

"Get up you worthless shit!" slurred the threatening voice of my step-dad.

I could hardly move. And breathing was especially difficult. I rolled into a foetal position and attempted to push myself up with my hands. I shrieked when I realised that my left arm was broken. Oh gods, it hurt!

But I had to go, I had to leave. I don't care that I needed him to hurt me, I didn't want to die. He pulled me up by my arm—the one that wasn't broken, thankfully—and threatened lowly, "You better shut up…Not that it'll matter, you're so worthless no one even sees you. But I do. I know what you need."

I stifled a gag as he pushed me towards the bed. And kicked my foot. Hard. No no no! I thought fearfully.

I tried to get to my feet. If I could just do that, I could get away and-and-….I don't know. I couldn't go to Gilbert, he would see and then he would know and then he would hate me. He'd be disgusted. But nowhere near as disgusted as Alfred would if he knew—knew that I allowed this to happen. Knew what I really was. Knew that I deserved this. Knew that not only did I deserve this, I needed it to be better.

But Gary was right. No one ever saw me. That's why I'm still here. It didn't help that we moved a lot. But no one saw me. I was forgettable. I needed to be better.

I sniffled and tears trickled down my cheeks. My step-dad pulled my jeans down. I was still trying to get to my feet, I wasn't sure why I was trying to fight but I felt like I should. That-that maybe the beatings were OK but more than that would be wrong. My lungs screamed at me as I took in a deep breath and pushed hard against the bed, using the shoulder of my broken arm (which hurt something fierce)

Apparently Gary hadn't expected me to manoeuvre out from under him like because he fell backwards; albeit, he was drunk.

"Hey you little shit! Get back here!"

I ran, limping a bit and pulled my injured arm close to me. And I almost made it.

A hand snatched me by the back of my shirt and pulled me back. I lost my footing and Gary took that chance to kick in the back of my knees. I tried to scramble away once I realised I was on the floor face down. But Gary trapped my body between his legs. How he was able to catch me, I've no idea. Maybe he wasn't as drunk as I thought.

I snapped my head to the side as I felt my step-dad's clammy cold hands on my skin. Oh gods no! I shrieked but my voice was wrecked and my breathing trouble had increased, so it came out as a low whine.

"Shut up!"

"Please please no! Don't!" I begged.

His hands moved faster divesting me of my underwear. Tears flowed from my eyes and I tried again to throw him off of me. Except this time he expected it and used one free hand to hold me down. My breathing was getting worse and worse as I struggled more. I felt something I didn't want to think about probe my most private area. And then came an awful, painful stretching and then it was just agony. I felt like I was being torn apart from the inside.

I don't know how but somehow I must have passed out, when my breathing got worse and I choked.

* * *

It was sometime later that I woke up. Alone. Was it all a bad dream? I wondered. And then I tried to move and my whole body seized up in agony. I cried again. My lungs felt like they were going to explode so I had to try and calm down. I noticed I was no longer on the floor in the front hall but rather on my bed. Dim light trickled in between the partially opened curtains on my window and I noticed there was a black raven perched on my window sill peering in at me.

I swallowed and gritted my teeth. Hospital, I thought. My arm was still broken after all.

I moved my arm haltingly to the side of my bed. My knapsack was sitting beside my bed. Thank goodness, I thought. I slowly opened the front zipper pocket and felt around for my phone.

There were eight messages. Most of them were from Gilbert. Was I supposed to have called him? Then I noticed the date. It was noon. And it was Monday. I'd had class this morning and Gilbert and I were supposed to meet up. Gods, what was the point? But I still found myself freaking out.

I felt panic building in my chest. What will I tell him? I wondered. That I fell? Yes, I fell. Down six flights of stairs.

I dialled my friend's number and anxiously waited for him to pick up. I was nibbling on my finger nails when I heard Gilbert's voice.

"MATT! Oh my god! Where have you been? I've been messaging you since last night, man!"

I took a deep breath and croaked out, "Hi Gilbert, I-I'm sick and I-I h-had an accident. I fell."

"Oh my god. Do you need me to come over? Give me your address. I'm coming."

"N-no, i-it's OK. I m-might go to the walk-in clinic," I protested weakly.

"Address," Gilbert said undeterred.

"81 Cherrywood Street. 6th floor," I told him reluctantly. Shit, will he know if he sees me?

"Stay there. I'm coming now."

I had to get up. And shower. I had to clean up and hide the evidence. But my limbs wouldn't cooperate for a while. After about twenty minutes I forced myself to endure the pain of moving. I groaned and stumbled slightly, holding the walls for balance with one arm as I made my way into the bathroom. I took a sponge bath standing. My bottom hurt a lot. I shied away from the thought about why that was.

If I pretended it didn't happen it wouldn't be real. If I pretended then I could go back to the way it was before where Gary only hurt me because I needed it.

I rinsed my hair and towel dried myself off as quickly as I possibly could. I brushed my teeth and hair and put on some loose-fitting clothes. Well, all of my clothes were loose-fitting simply because it was really hard for me to keep on weight. Plus it helped when I had injuries. And I was disgusting looking. I could hide my body more easily with loose-fitting clothes.

I ignored the black and blue splotches that were scattered across my skin. There were noticeably more on my hips.

I swallowed and inspected the apartment. Everything looked normal, like nothing had even happened last night. I shook my head, if it were for the throbbing pain shooting through my body I would have wondered if I'd just had a really realistic nightmare. Maybe I did. I wasn't sure anymore.

Then I heard the apartment buzzer. I was filled with fear. What if he was back? Wait. Why would he need me to open the door then if he has his own set of keys?

Then I remembered that Gilbert was supposed to come and see me. I sucked in a painful breath and let him in. I tried to prepare myself mentally but jumped when I heard a series of knocks on the door.

"Matt! Matt, are you OK? I'm here!" Gilbert called from behind the door. I slowly limped over and unlocked the door.

"Oh my god! Matt! What the hell happened?" his face was full of shock. "You look like you tried to take on a street gang and lost!"

I tried to smile but I'm pretty sure it came out like a grimace.

"I-I fell down the stairs. My dad found me and brought me up here. We didn't think it was that bad," I lied.

"Not that bad? What the hell! He should have taken you to emergency!" Gilbert said appalled.

"Uh yeah. I-it's not that bad, really," and then my legs gave out.

"Shit! C'mon. I have my car," Gilbert said, as he gently held me up around the waist. I jumped at the touch. And felt like clammy cold hands were running along my skin. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My head was swimming.

"Hey! Matt!" called a worried Gilbert. "Are you sure? Stairs?"

I nodded painfully. "My arm…it's broken I-I think."

Gilbert looked at me again and shook his head. "Something's not right about this. But you're going to the hospital now."

He guided me to the elevator and he helped me into his car outside. I winced when I sat down but hid my face from my friend.

My lungs were still hurting and well, so was everything else. I didn't know what to tell the doctor when she asked what hurt, besides my arm. I told her I fell down six flights of stairs and that everything kind of hurt. But when she asked me to take off my clothes and put on a gown I shook my head.

"I-it's not that bad. J-just bruises," I covered it up.

So she checked my lungs with her stethoscope and looked at me rather concerned when I winced.

"J-just bruises," I stammered feeling grateful that Gilbert didn't come in with me. I hadn't wanted him to so he waited in the waiting room.

She went through more tests before prescribing me painkillers and wrapping my arm in a cast. My injured foot wasn't bad enough to warrant any kind of medical attention, just resting. I said nothing about the pain in my backside.

Before I left the doctor looked at me with sympathy in her eyes, "You know, if there's anything else at all, please tell me. It might be important. There is doctor-patient confidentiality."

"Nothing nothing. There's nothing. Everything's fine, everything's fine," I said.

She gave me one last look and nodded reluctantly, "Well you're of legal age so you know how to make your own decisions."

I nodded and left.

Gilbert was pacing in the waiting room. When he saw me he came up to me and went to hug me. I backed away and at his hurt look I said, "I-I'm s-still sore. Th-thanks for taking me here."

Gilbert gave me a sad smile and nodded, "No problem. That your prescription meds?" He looked at the paper in my hand.

"Yeah, can we stop at the pharmacy?" I knew my step-dad's drug plan covered it.

"Of course."

The silence in the car was really awkward. I tried to talk about school but Gilbert sort of just nodded, not really taking part in the conversation. One-sided conversations sucked.

I asked Gilbert to get my medicine for me. I didn't want people to stare at me. I hadn't packed my cover up makeup and I was covered in bruises.

When Gilbert got back in the car he handed me the paper bag with my medicine and I popped two into my mouth. Soon everything would be better. It would be better.

Then I remembered I was supposed to go out with Alfred the next day. My burning lungs and aching body told me that wasn't going to work. Not to mention the bruises. They would send Alfred running in the other direction, no matter how much he insisted that he was a hero. I felt miserable. I really wanted to spend time with the tall blond. He was really sweet and kind to me and he liked me—I think.

"You OK there? Pain killers not kicking in yet?"

"Uh n-no, that's not it. I w-was really excited to hang out with Alfred tomorrow."

Gilbert wore an uncharacteristically troubled expression. "Yeah. You could tell him what happened, I'm sure he'd bring you flowers or something."

I laughed a little, "That's kinda girly, Gil."

"So what? We've known each other for like two years now; I think I'd know what sorts of things you like. Flowers and syrup," he smiled wryly.

I nodded and cracked a smile. Gilbert had this uncanny ability to make me smile even when I felt like complete shit. I'm glad he was my friend.

* * *

A/n: whoo! That was pretty intense. Uh I hope I haven't lost anyone. Don't worry! Matthew will be OK; both Alfred and Gilbert will make sure of it. My bad if I got any kind of doctor-related stuff messed up. I'm pretty sure Matthew has to be the one to seek help if he's in an abusive situation because he is of legal age (legal age in Canada is 19…or at least last I checked).


	7. Chapter 7

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

**Warnings. Please read**: Because Matthew is going through a lot of mentally damaging experiences, he may turn to different ways of coping that may offend some readers. I have done a bit more research about the topic and I feel that if Matthew simply continued on as he is it would be less realistic, so negative coping methods are very possible here. Such methods may include: self-harm, suicidal ideation, eating disorders and/or loss of appetite, tendency to avoid situations, places or certain people (often the gender by which they were violated) and avoidance of social-interactions. There are many more signs and symptoms of abuse and sexual assault such as intense feelings of guilt, shame, anger, low self-esteem, fear of exposure, fear of intimacy, anxiety, depression (very common), nightmares, flashbacks, inability to say no, etc.! I'm not saying all these things will occur, but do keep in mind that some may pop up during the story. So I'm preparing you all. This story went much deeper than I had thought; it isn't a bad thing necessarily, but I want to be sure to cover all my bases. If any of you have any thoughts on this, feel free to share. Warnings from first chapter still apply.

Disclaimer: see first chapter

Author's notes: More thank yous out to all you wonderful readers and critical reviewers! I want to make this story the best it can be to my ability, and those critical reviews help. But sweet comments don't hurt either! …I swear I am not fishing for compliments…XD Jokes. Oh and before I forget, Matthew's lack of intense emotions prior to his sexual assault were (mistakenly) downplayed, though he did cry, he was in denial and he really does crave normalcy above all else. He will exhibit more of an emotional response in this chapter, especially when put in certain situations that trigger the onrush of emotions that typically follow the sort of trauma he experienced.

_Italics that are used in full phrases are thoughts. Italics used in individual words alone represent emphasis._

**Dream sequences will be identified by bold font.**

**

* * *

**

"So…should I drive you home then?" Gilbert asked looking at me from the driver's seat of his revved up car.

I'd been feeling numb since-since… since I woke up…since _it_ happened. But the rush of emotions that filled me with dread when I thought about going back to the apartment made feel as though I was beginning to fall to pieces. My breath caught in my throat and my hands started to shake. I put them in my pockets so that Gilbert wouldn't see. I swallowed and replied, "Uh d-do you think I uh, could go to your house?"

On the one hand I wanted to be alone because I couldn't let my friend see me fall apart and then ask why. Especially when it was my fault and everything that had happened _was_ my fault. But on the other hand, I didn't know if I could bear to ever set foot in that apartment; the four walls that had seen everything, they had witnessed my shame.

Gilbert looked at me suspiciously but acquiesced, "Sure. Wanna get your stuff from the apartment first?"

"Uhm…. I. Maybe later?"

"You sure? You can crash at my place for as long as you need, if you want. Frankly, I think your step-dad's a dick for not taking you to Emerge on the spot," Gilbert said scowling.

I looked away. _Don't think about it; don't think about it_, I repeated in my head. I bit my lip hard until something coppery-tasting invaded my mouth.

"Matt!"

My head shot up and I looked at my friend.

"Dude, you're seriously fading in and out. Are you sure you're OK?"

"I'm fine," I controlled my voice that was quivering. "I'm fine. Everything's fine. It's fine."

"O-K then. You were like rocking back and forth a second ago. I'm just worried, man," the German said slowly.

"I was?" I hadn't realised. _Maybe I'm going mad_. I thought. _No, I'm not. Because that wouldn't be fine and everything's fine_, I affirmed to myself. My eyes teared up without my permission and I brushed the tears away quickly, head bowed. _I will not fall apart_, I repeated to myself. Maybe if I thought it enough it would be true.

A sudden touch on my shoulder made me jump. I looked wide-eyed up at Gilbert, who just stared at me.

"Bruises," I muttered and bit my lip. "Sorry."

"Man, I don't care what you say, you're not fine. Let's go get your stuff," Gilbert said and put his index finger up to silence my protests. "_I_ will go with you, OK? I'd get your stuff for you but it might take forever since I've never actually been to your place besides earlier today. It'll be OK."

I cocked my head and wondered if I he could see through me. It made me feel paranoid and want to hide my thoughts where neither he nor anyone else could ever see them. But he did make me feel better so I nodded.

It didn't take us long to gather my things; I noticed Gilbert seemed a little apprehensive when he saw how barren my room looked. Maybe that was weird? I didn't have many friends growing up to hang out with and I never had much access to those typical teenage television shows. I had taken care of Mom often. While we had been close, sometimes she wasn't OK. She was a very emotional person; sometimes angry, sometimes sad and sometimes happy. It was only when she did certain kinds of paintings that she adopted a look of serenity. I loved to watch her paint. But Mom always put on a brave face when she went to my school interviews and things like that. She was so strong, even when my biological father left her; she was always so strong in my eyes. Her emotions were just part of it. And then I caused her to leave me. She died when it should have been me.

I bit my lip again and clenched my uninjured hand by my side.

"Hey, Earth to Matthew! Come in!" Gilbert was waving a hand in front of my face.

I shook my head and tried to smile, "Eh yeah, let's go."

Gilbert insisted on carrying my bags, "Your freaking arm is broken, dude. Don't even think about it."

I followed behind my friend and looked around one last time. _I'm not really running away, am I?_ I wondered belatedly. _No, I have to come back. Gary's still family,_ I felt sad. _And he knows, he sees and-and oh gods, I don't know if I can come back_, I thought, dread filling me, but the terrifying knowledge that I needed to be punished for all the awful things I'd done. _I practically made him do—do _that_ to me! If I had been better and the punishments had been enough..then-then he wouldn't have had to…_I shook my head, trying to rid my spinning head of the circular thoughts.

I pulled the door closed behind me and locked it. I frowned as I looked at the door one last time.

"Are you coming? We're not getting any younger here! Plus my arms are breaking!" Gilbert called holding the elevator door open for me.

I scurried through the elevator doors and pressed the ground floor button. My hand tapped nervously against my leg and I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down.

I never noticed how closely Gilbert had been watching me with a concerned expression.

We finally arrived at Gilbert's when I realised that he had skipped his afternoon classes! Not that he would have cared all that much but still! I owed him now… A cold fear erupted in my veins. What if-what if he—Gilbert, what if he wanted to do what Gary had? I shivered. _No_, I thought, _Gilbert would never ever do that_. I bit my finger nail and my cynical inner voice piped up, _How do you know? And what if Alfred was the same?_

I shook my head, _No, no that couldn't be because once he discovered how disgusting I am, that I'm not only useless and worthless, but also filthy and-and used, then he'll run far far away. At least,_ I thought miserably,_ he should. _

"Penny for your thoughts?" Gilbert asked in an uncharacteristically gentle tone.

And to his credit, I only flinched a little. "Uh…I was just thinking that you missed your classes."

The fair haired man laughed with mirth, "As if I care! It's all good though. Friends come first and all that jazz."

My lips twitched, "Th-thanks. I'm pretty sure Elizaveta would be jealous."

"Nah! I'd take off the entire week for my girl!"

I couldn't help but smile, "I know. You're practically head over heels. Maybe that's why you forget things like anniversaries; you're just so love-struck that minute details don't even register."

"Hey! I'm not _that_ far gone! I'm still the ultimate womanizer!" Gilbert proclaimed loudly and then smiled to himself. "But I do really like her."

I nodded and sighed. "Uh c-can I take a shower?"

"Yeah of course! Do you need a plastic bag to wrap your cast in? Maybe it would be better if you took a bath instead?" he suggested kindly.

I shuddered; I hoped there was a lock on the door. I instantly felt bad for thinking such bad things of Gilbert, but they felt automatic. Maybe what…happened…wrecked my head more than it already was. I sighed and nodded at Gilbert.

I pulled my clothes from my bruised and broken body. The large mirror in the (now locked) bathroom tempted me to check the damage. My whole body was marred with black and blue bruises, small infected red cuts and welts; they stood out in stark contrast to my pale skin and my bones protruded quite obviously. My left arm was bundled up tight in a heavy white, plaster cast. I couldn't stand to look at myself anymore and began filling the tub with hot water and bath salts. Once I'd covered my cast with the plastic bag and tied it off before sliding into the scalding hot water. I winced, both from the temperature and irritation of my wounds, but somehow, it felt better. I needed to scrub the feeling of those clammy cold hands from my body and that feeling that had torn my body apart from the inside.

I found a rough scrubber, poured on a generous amount of liquid soap and began scrubbing every inch of my body I could reach with one hand. I held my other arm on the ledge to avoid getting the cast wet. Once my skin was even more irritated and red I stopped and washed my hair. I filled a small cup sitting on the ledge with water to rinse my hair and pulled myself out of the tub.

I dressed and thought about Alfred again. I really didn't know how to feel about dating after-just…after everything. I felt uncertain about everything right now; it was like…like everything had changed. Regardless, I couldn't help but still want to see Alfred. Even though I didn't deserve to even be his friend, let alone anything else, he was just so wonderful and I would only blemish his reputation. I sighed when a headache began to develop in my temples. I also realised that the painkillers had worn off, as they were apt to do, because my entire body was throbbing more than usual.

I wanted to take more medication and go to bed and never wake up again. Or just cry until I had no more tears left. _What the hell?_ I berated myself angrily,_ what is wrong with me!_

I clenched my hands before bringing my finger to my mouth to bite at the flesh around my nails, at least until I tasted copper again. Frustrated I pulled at my hair. It hurt but it distracted me. Maybe that was it. If I hurt I couldn't think about…stuff.

"Matt? Everything OK in there? You've been in there for like an hour. I have to pee!" Gilbert whined at the door.

I rolled my eyes and finished up quickly.

Gilbert had practically forced me to take his bed while he took the couch out in the living room. I was OK with the sleeping arrangement but I felt really bad for putting him out and told him so. To which the German responded, "I'll be fine, I'm awesome after all. Besides, you're the guest and injured and it would be totally unawesome of me to make you sleep on the lumpy couch."

I honestly didn't have the strength to argue with him anymore or else I would have. I just felt really tired._ The painkillers must be taking their toll_, I thought absently.

I didn't feel up to talking to Alfred before going to sleep. I resolved instead to call him in the morning and say something. I didn't know what I'd tell him yet, but I suspected that I probably ought to tell him I'd broken my arm at the very least. _The cast is supposed to stay on for six weeks_, I thought absently before sleep overtook me.

**Shadows crept across the room's walls, I noticed when I cracked an eye open. The walls were a light orange, like the sky in Feliciano Vargas' painting. I glanced towards the adjacent wall and saw my bedroom window. The black raven was perched there gazing at me with his ebony, liquid orbs. Then there was a sound of a door slamming open and the raven cawed and flew away. **

**I turned to see a large shadowy figure standing in my doorway. My body began quaking when the figure's face emerged; it was my step-dad. I struggled from my place on the bed. Why were my hands tied? I had to fight him off! I couldn't let him do- do **_**that!**_** He came towards me and my panic rose. I struggled to loosen my binds. **

**And then something strange happened. His face morphed into all the men I knew, first Feliks, then Toris, Antonio, Romano, Berwald, Tino, Feliciano, Ludwig, Gilbert and finally, Alfred. They all looked at me with accusing, hateful eyes. **_**It's all your fault,**_** they seemed to be saying. **_**No! No, please, no! I'll do anything, please not-not **__that__**!**_** Then agony erupted in my arm. **

And then I was startled into wakefulness. I hissed as pain lanced through my broken arm. _Shit! I must have jostled it in my sleep_, I thought tearfully. Emotion choked me. My throat felt like it was closing up and my tears wouldn't stop. I cried for a long time. I cried for everything that had happened. I cried for what I would never be able to have—my dreams, my happiness, love. And when I thought I had no more tears left, I cried some more. It was like the dam had broken and I couldn't stop the flood of emotion. I choked in an effort to keep my outburst silent. I glanced at the clock still crying, it was quarter after seven. I sniffled a few more times and felt oddly lighter, like a weight I didn't know was there had been lifted. I shook my head at my own nonsensical thoughts and noticed how dry my mouth was. I sighed and sucked air in through my teeth. _Water and painkillers_, I thought resolutely.

I quietly brushed any remaining tears from my eyes and glanced in the bedroom mirror before leaving Gilbert's bedroom. I crept out into the kitchen and glanced at the snoring figure sprawled on the couch in the open living room. My lips quirked and I shook my head.

The water was refreshing on my tongue and they washed down the chalky flavour of the pills. I bit my lip thoughtfully and wondered when it would be a good time to call Alfred. I'd decided that even if I just cancel the 'school tour/date' thing, that would be at the very least, the polite thing to do.

I padded silently back to Gilbert's room and rifled through my knapsack for my phone. I scratched absently at my wrist as I waited anxiously for Alfred to answer his phone. I hoped I would just get his voice mail.

I flinched when Alfred actually picked up.

"Hello?" answered a groggy sounding voice. Great, I woke him up_. Stupid stupid Matthew._ _He's not going to want to have anything to do with you,_ piped up my cynical inner voice, _Even _he_ knows how worthless you are._

"Helloooooooo?" Alfred called again.

"Uh-uh i-it's M-matthew," I stuttered along quickly.

"Matthew!" Alfred exclaimed, he sounded kind of happy.

"Uh y-yeah. I just wanted to uh…well I-I don't think I can make it today."

Alfred's voice dropped, sounding rather disappointed, "Oh? How come?"

"I-I," my voice caught and I cleared my throat feeling embarrassed, "I f-fell and injured myself."

"Are you OK?" came a concerned reply.

"Y-yeah, I just-just broke my arm."

"Shit! Just yesterday?"

"Uh on Sunday," I told him.

"Oh no! What happened?"

"Well, l-like I said, I fell. Down the stairs… six flights," I lied again. I bit my lip anxiously.

"Can I come and visit you? What do you like? Flowers? Candy?" Alfred rushed me with questions.

"O-oh um… y-you don't have to…I'll be fine, really!"

"You don't want me to come and see you?" Alfred sounded dejected.

"Oh um… w-well only i-if you want to…" I trailed off feeling guilty for making Alfred sad.

"Of course I do! That's the heroic thing to do after all! Plus, I haven't seen you since last week; I want to make sure you're OK too," Alfred perked up.

I smiled slightly, Alfred was sweet.

"Do you like New York Fries?"

"Huh?" I wondered at the random question.

"Well I wanna bring ya something… I love New York Fries, do you? They have great burgers. Not McDonald's but they're still good."

"Uh s-sure. I really like maple syrup though," I told him.

I could hear the smile in his voice as the blond replied, "Great! Where can I find you?"

"Gilbert's house. I'm staying with him at the moment."

"Oh. Oh um OK," came a slightly disheartened voice.

"Yeah. Uh….s-so shall I g-give you the address?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah definitely."

I quickly gave him the information and said goodbye. I bit my lip and released a shaky breath. I hoped Gilbert and Alfred would get along.

* * *

A/n: OMG. Looong chapter! For me. Haha. Anyway, I hope this was satisfactory. Thoughts?


	8. Chapter 8

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter (I've included warnings from chapter 7 at this point).

Disclaimer: see first chapter

A/n: Thanks again, wonderful readers! It was very pleasant to wake up to a slew of wonderful comments, especially since I only had like 4 hours of sleep. Curse you early morning classes! Curse you! :D

P.S. I'm having a thought, what if I made a playlist thingy for this story? Or something to that effect? One song per chapter. I was thinking of making it on youtube and then putting the link on my profile page. Thoughts?

Anyway, 'nuff of my rambling, onwards folks.

* * *

I sighed and thought about making breakfast. Gilbert would probably appreciate it. I stood and wandered into the kitchen.

I hadn't seen any of Gilbert's roommates yet so I mentally prepared myself to run into them at any time. I took in a shuddering breath; while I felt safer here than I had at the apartment, I still felt very tense to even be in the same room as other people. The hospital visit had been a nightmare and I'd kept my head bowed and pretended only Gilbert and I were there. I was glad I saw a female doctor, every time a man had wandered across my vision I felt more and more on edge. My breathing hitched and my trembling would increase. I suspected that if I hadn't known Gilbert that well I would have been much more terrified of him than I currently was. At this point, however, I felt more grateful than on edge around him.

I hummed a little to myself to try and distract myself from the darker thoughts roaming just beneath the surface. I rifled through the cupboards to find pancake making ingredients. I loved home-made pancakes; sometimes my mom would make crepes when I was younger and not feeling overly emotional. But usually I made them. Either way, the crepes were something my mom had learned from my biological father; it was a French recipe consisting of large, paper-thin pancakes topped with whipped cream and strawberries. Mom always put maple syrup on the table as well though; she knew I how much I loved it.

I rolled up my sleeves. I added the wet ingredients to the dry ones and mixed them in a large bowl, head tilted to the side as I went. I put a little bit of oil in the bottom of the frying pan and after a few minutes ladled in a generous amount of pancake batter. Soon it was time to flip the slightly crispy pancake and I did so with skill. Cooking all one's life invests one with mad skills.

"Mmm! Smells good," came a sleepy voice.

Startled I whipped my head around to see the familiar form of Antonio. My eyes widened, I hadn't realised exactly who Gilbert's roommates were.

"Oh um hi," I greeted shyly; it was weird to wake up in the same house with your teacher—even if he was only a Master's student.

The Spaniard smiled and his eyes slide down to where I was flipping the fluffy cakes of deliciousness. He frowned and I followed his gaze. Shit. My sleeves were rolled up.

"What happened? And is that a cast?" he asked eyeing my injured arms; one covered by a cast and the other sporting fading bruises. His gaze was making me nervous; my hands shook.

"Oh! Um… I uh..I f-fell down the stairs at m-my apartment," I said quickly as I pulled my sleeves down; my face burned with shame.

The other man arched a brow but nodded, "But those looked like fingerprints."

_So much for this guy being a clueless, idiot. A nice clueless, idiot but a clueless idiot nonetheless_, I thought dismally.

"Th-they're not. It was just a r-really rough fall," I lied not quite meeting the other man's eyes.

The Spaniard cleared his throat and gestured to my now burning pancakes, "Breakfast?"

"Huh?" I said dumbly and then turned to the frying pan. "Ah! Crap!"

"I was gonna say, smells good!" came a new voice. I looked over to see Gilbert stumbling off the couch rubbing his eyes.

"Good morning, Gilbert," I smiled at my sleepy friend.

"Hey man," Gilbert greeted Antonio. "Just get in?"

The olive-skinned man nodded with a dreamy smile, "Yeah…"

The German rolled his eyes and mouthed to me 'love-sick fool'. I stifled a giggle and shook my head fondly.

"Spare me the details, I don't wanna know what Romano gets up to when you two are alone," he fake shuddered.

Antonio grinned mischievously, "Yeah you already know."

"I do not! I know what two dudes get up to but I don't need to hear any tales about that mouthy brat you're head over heels in love with," Gilbert protested.

I finished cooking up the remainder of the pancake batter and cleared my throat. "Pancakes anyone?"

"Sweet! I have that maple syrup too!" the crimson-eyed man brightened. "Grab it from the fridge, will ya?" he asked the Spaniard who nodded.

Gilbert had a pile of plates and made to throw them at us, "Catch!"

"Don't you even dare!" came yet another new voice.

"Of course you're here," Gilbert grumbled.

"What's that supposed to mean?" said an irritated looking Austrian man.

"Don't you have cleaning to do or something, Roddy?" Gilbert rolled his eyes.

'Roddy' narrowed his eyes, "It's Roderich you illiterate fool."

"It's Roderich you illiterate fool," Gilbert echoed back in a whiny tone. "Whatever. What do you want?"

"I'll have you know, while you're not getting anywhere in life—why aren't you in class by the way—I am preparing for a most wonderful concerto this afternoon," Roderich gloated.

"Ha! I'm so awesome; I have _way_ more important things to do right now. Hope they don't boo you out of the concert hall or you won't get anywhere in life either," Gilbert replied nastily.

"Gil!" I admonished in a quiet tone without thinking. Everyone turned to look at me; my cheeks reddened and I looked away.

"S-sorry…I hate it when people fight," I whispered.

I glanced up through my bangs to see Roderich and Gilbert looking rather ashamed.

"Um…want some pancakes?" I offered to the dark haired Austrian chewing my bottom lip nervously. My hands were trembling even more and I took a deep breath so I wouldn't panic. Too many people.

Roderich just stared at me and nodded slowly, "Yes, that would nice."

I nodded and we all sat down to eat. Gilbert and Roderich glared at one another while Antonio babbled on about this wonderful new tomato grower that had recently opened up in the area and how he and Romano were planning to go see it.

I cut my pancakes up into very small pieces and doused them in maple syrup. I nibbled slowly for a couple of minutes before pushed the pieces around on the plate in the pool of syrup. I should have been starving but I just felt a bit nauseous. Sitting was painful both physically and mentally. My thoughts wandered to a much darker place. I bit my lip hard.

**Cold, clammy fingers pressing into my hips… running along my body sending a chill up my spine… And then that awful …something…probing of my most private area…**

Then I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I jumped, eyes wide. Fear spread its icy fingers through me and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I had to go. I sprung up from my chair and ran to the bathroom. Nausea swirled in my stomach and I barely made it to the toilet in time to lose my guts.

I missed the shocked looks of my friends sitting at the table, not knowing what to make of the situation.

I heaved again into the porcelain throne; my one good arm supporting me was shaking. I gagged again a few more times until there was nothing left. There hadn't been much to throw up anyway; my appetite while typically small (Gary didn't always let me have meals) was next to nil.

I took in a few deep breaths as my legs collapsed from under me. I rocked my body back and forth on the floor to try and calm myself down. My eyes watered.

"Hey Matt? Everything OK in there? Something not agree with you?" asked a concerned Gilbert from behind the closed bathroom door.

I croaked out, "Something like that."

"OK well there are some pancakes left, Antonio's wrapping them up for later, alright?"

I nodded until I remembered he couldn't see me and replied, "Th-thanks. T-tell him thanks."

Finally when I felt like I could stand without collapsing I stumbled over to the sink to rinse my mouth and brush my teeth. I splashed some water on my face that was pale and taking on a greyish pallor.

I shuddered and took in a deep breath. I tapped my fingers against my pant leg, flicking my wrist back and forth. I focused on the action rather than my swirling thoughts. I tried to remember if I had something important to do today and bit my lip in thought. I closed my eyes and leaned against the door before unlocking and re-locking it a few times.

I pressed my ear against the door to listen for the voices of Gilbert and his roommates. They spoke in low tones and I couldn't quite make out what they were saying. I hoped they would leave soon though. I was so embarrassed. My face flushed when I thought about how I must have looked to them—probably like a goddamn loony.

Tears prickled at the corners of my eyes and I tried to take a shuddering breath in to stave off more crying. Unfortunately the waterworks refused to be repressed and tears rolled down my cheeks without my consent. I sniffled and brushed them away but they kept coming. I felt a sense of hopelessness, guilt and shame and all I wanted to do is make it go away. Make myself go away. Then this wouldn't be happening and-and…I'd be with Mom. I swallowed and looked around the room feeling frustrated. I opened the medicine cabinet and looked around. A flash of silver caught my eye; a new stainless steal razor sat on the shelf. I picked it up and bit my lip. I studied the sharp metal fascinated with how shiny it looked.

A knock startled me and I nearly dropped the razor. I caught it in my sweater sleeve, grabbed it with my hand and held it.

"Y-yeah?"

"Uh sorry to ask since you're not feeling well but… Antonio needs the bathroom. He's going out soon," Gilbert's voice said.

I turned to glance in the mirror, quickly splashing some more water on it to stave off the redness around my eyes. It was useless though.

"R-right," I gulped before pocketing the razor and unlocking and relocking the door a few times. Finally I got it unlocked and opened it, face bowed, I hesitantly looked up at Gilbert.

He frowned and went to put a comforting hand on my arm. I flinched away and looked away from Gilbert's face. I couldn't stand seeing hurt flash across his features; he was my friend and only trying to help.

I cleared my throat when a thought came to me. _Alfred was supposed to come over today, right?_ I wondered absently. I wasn't sure if I was remembering it right; my memory was fuzzy.

"Ummm Gil…" I started hesitantly.

That concerned expression never left his face. "Yeah?"

"C-can Alfred come and s-see me h-here today?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Sure! He bringing ya flowers or something?"

I shrugged, "Yeah, I th-think so."

"Cool," Gilbert smiled. "Just a sec."

"Hey 'tonio! Bathroom's open!" the German man turned and called over his shoulder.

Antonio appeared in the hallway and glanced at Gilbert, then me. I flushed.

"Feeling any better?" the Spaniard asked me.

"Y-yeah. Something didn't agree with me," I said, echoing Gilbert's earlier words. Yeah _something_ didn't agree with me alright and it had nothing to do with food.

Gilbert and I moved out of the way to let Antonio use the bathroom and I walked towards Gilbert's room.

"Hey," the crimson eyed man called to me.

I looked at him hesitantly, "Y-yeah?"

"If you know…you ever want to talk to me about something that's bothering you…you can, you know," Gilbert said, looking away uncomfortable while glancing back and trying to meet my eyes; as if he were trying to get something subtle across to me.

I swallowed and nodded once, "Yeah, OK. Th-thanks Gil."

He nodded.

"I'm g-gonna take some more painkillers and lie down for a bit," I told him.

He nodded again.

I shut the door behind me and grabbed Kumajiro out of my bag. I pulled the bear close to me and squeezed him tightly. I remembered the razor I found in the bathroom and took it out of my pocket. I examined it again before deciding I really was tired, it's not like my sleep the night before had been restful. _Stupid nightmares,_ I thought sullenly.

I pulled my bear away from my chest and found a small Velcro-covered opening in the fabric of my stuffy. I bit my lip and wedged the razor into my oldest toy. I flipped the Velcro back over and cuddled my bear again.

I curled around Kumajiro and closed my eyes. I slept.

* * *

I woke feeling slightly nauseous, the kind of nauseous you feel when you've slept too late in the day. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. While I hadn't had any nightmares, I hadn't really slept well.

My tired eyes shifted towards the clock face across the room. 2:45. Crap. Alfred would be coming soon. When my hands started to tremble again I clenched them and put them under my legs. I got up and adjusted my baggy clothes. My arm was sore again so I took two more painkillers. I wandered into the empty kitchen and got a glass of water. Gilbert was on the couch with an actual textbook. He usually blew off school so I was surprised. He looked up when he heard me come and grinned.

"Sleep well?"

My face reddened and I nodded.

He nodded and glanced at the clock. "Boyfriend coming by soon?"

"H-he's not m-my boyfriend!"

The German rolled his eyes, "Might as well be."

I felt a small grin tug at my lips. _That would be nice_, I thought.

I checked my hair in the bathroom and gave it quick brush. That one errant curl was sticking up again. The doorbell chimed.

I panicked. _Oh gods! W-what if something happens? Wh-what if he finds out? W-what if he already knows?_

I heard Gilbert and Alfred's voices in the hallway. I stuck my head out the bathroom door and saw Gilbert and Alfred sizing the other up. I stifled a laugh and came out.

"H-hi Alfred," I greeted shyly.

Alfred's bright blue eyes lit up when he saw me and he smiled. His eyes darkened when he noticed the cast.

"Hey Mattie! Look what I brought ya!" he brandished a bouquet of orange blossoms and a box of maple flavoured cookies. My heart fluttered and I couldn't help but smile at his thoughtfulness.

"Th-thank you, Alfred," I said gratefully, I neared the other man and took the gifts in my good hand.

I smiled shyly at him and bit my lip. "Uh A-Alfred, this is Gilbert, m-my best f-friend," I introduced.

Gilbert looked rather smug at that and I wanted to admonish him for it but I felt so nervous in front of Alfred, I couldn't.

"C-come in," I told the blue eyed man nervously.

Gilbert nodded and, out of the rare kindness of his heart (unless it was me or Elizaveta, Gilbert rarely showed regard for anyone else), he offered, "Hey man, want a beer?"

Alfred's eyes widened and he gave the German man a grin, "Aw no man, sorry. I'm driving."

The German man nodded understandingly. I figured he would have been offended but maybe he just approved for my sake.

* * *

A/n: Finally! The date! Sort of! Hahaha. I'm gonna make Alfred actually take Matthew out somewhere, don't worry. McLovin! Bonus points if you get that reference.


	9. Chapter 9

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter

Disclaimer: see first chapter

A/n: I love you guys for your reviews, favourites, author alerts and readership. Also, I haven't started on our music playlist yet, but I'll let you know when it's up. Enjoy.

* * *

I cleared my throat.

"Uh…well come in," I told Alfred.

Gilbert winked at me and went into the kitchen. My cheeks flushed and I looked away. Alfred didn't seem to notice anything and followed me to the living room.

We sat on the couch and I bit my lip, sneaking a glance at the taller blond, "Um….s-so uh…what d-did you want to d-do?"

Alfred grinned at me, "Well I dunno… I thought we should get to know each other…maybe tell me about yourself? How did you hurt your arm?" his smile faded at the last part.

I glanced away and took a breath, "Uhm… well I—"

"Sorry Matt, I'm just gonna be in my room. I gotta call Elizaveta," Gilbert cut in.

I nodded and at Alfred's questioning look, I filled him in, "Elizaveta is his girlfriend; they've been dating for six months."

Alfred nodded and gestured for me to go on.

"Uhm…well I uh….I-I'm a second year undergrad m-majoring in English and minoring in C-Canadian History. I live with m-my s-tep-dad but I'm j-just hanging with my friend Gilbert. W-we've been f-friends for almost t-two years. Ummm…I h-hurt myself w-when I f-fell down the s-stairs at th-the apartment," I stumbled, not quite meeting Alfred's eyes at the last part.

The blond narrowed his eyes and pressed his lips together, "Yeah? That sort of thing happen often?"

"Uh…w-well I-I'm p-pretty clumsy," I replied meekly.

Alfred nodded slowly, "Well I hope you start to feel better soon. Ohh! Can I sign your cast?"

I couldn't help but break out into a smile and nodded feeling pleased. "I-I'll get a m-marker."

"Oh, no need! I've got some in my bag," Alfred smiled. He pulled two markers from his bag, one red and one blue, and uncapped them. I swallowed and trembled a little as he took my arm in his hands. My mind shied away from a mirage of flashback images. I bit my lip hard until I tasted copper. First he signed his name and then he started drawing something. That distracted me.

"What—" I started, before he pulled away from his art work. It was a crude drawing of the American flag. I arched a brow and just looked at the other man.

"Now you're even more cool," Alfred stated proudly.

"Uh…why d-does that make me cool?" I asked, not getting it.

"Because! It's the American flag! Oh I didn't tell you, I'm from Washington, D.C.!"

"Right… Well I'm Canadian and I p-prefer my own f-flag on my a-arm," I told him.

His smile drooped and he looked away dejectedly.

I panicked, "B-but i-it's nice! R-really… Th-thanks…"

Alfred grinned and replied, "I knew you'd see the light, Mattie."

"S-sure," I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"So you're from here then?"

I bit my lip, "No, Ottawa a-actually. M-my family m-moved a-a lot though."

"Really? How come?"

"Um…I d-dunno… m-my step-dad ch-changed jobs a-a lot," I said evasively.

Alfred nodded, "My parents divorced when I was little; apparently they couldn't get along."

"Y-you don't know?" I asked.

"No, not really. I remember Mom and I were happy but Dad was really depressed when I was younger. Once he and Mom split up, Dad seemed happier. I guess my mom didn't make him happy."

"I-I'm sorry," I said in empathy.

"It's cool. When I was a kid I was upset about it—I even got sent for counseling— now it seems pretty standard. Most of my friends growing up had parents who split up."

I nodded.

"What about your biological dad?"

I bit my lip and swallowed, "Uh I n-never m-met him. I s-saw a picture when I was l-little though. He's F-French. My m-mom told me his n-name too. F-Francis Bonnefoy."

Alfred nodded frowning slightly, "He never came to see you or anything?"

"M-mom said he-he left us b-before I w-was born," I shrugged.

The American scratched his chin thoughtfully. I watched the way his eyes flicked to the ceiling, his blue eyes picked up the light from the lamp and shone.

And then he caught my eyes and he smiled. My cheeks felt warm and I looked away shyly.

Alfred slowly leaned closer to me and cupped my cheek. As his fingers graced my chin my breathing hitched. A flash of memory streaked across my mind's eye.

**Cold, clammy hands touching me… Something pushing into me… My own tears… Agony took over as my insides were ripped apart… **

Before I realised what I'd done I was on the floor my uninjured hand covering my head, "Please please don't…" I begged softly.

The couch moved and Alfred moved to sit across the floor, not too close to me, and trying to meet my eyes. He reach his hand out to touch my shoulder, but my body automatically flinched away; it was like it didn't even go through my brain.

"Jesus Mattie… It's OK," Alfred soothed. "Look, my hands are over here. I won't touch you."

I swallowed both fearfully and miserably, my eyes flicked up to look into his. "I-I…. I'm s-sorry. I-I d-don't know w-what's wrong w-with me."

He looked at a loss but reassured me, "It's OK, Mattie. It'll be OK."

I shook my head unable to believe anything would ever be OK, unconsciously tears filled my eyes and I sniffled and tried to brush them away. I started when a handkerchief was slowly put in front of my face.

"Th-thanks," I gave Alfred a watery smile and took the cloth. I laughed a little, "I d-didn't th-think anyone c-carried these kinds of th-things around a-anymore."

The American grinned softly, "All heroes should carry them. My dad gave me that one when I was a kid."

I stifled a laugh and nodded.

Alfred cleared his throat after I rubbed away the tears and gave him back the handkerchief. "So uh… do you… wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head fearfully, "C-can we t-talk about s-something else?"

Alfred frowned and seemed like he wanted to object. I shot him a pleading look and he nodded, "Sure… uh…" he started, "What do you like to do?"

I bit my lip thoughtfully, adrenaline still coursing through my veins, "I um, I p-paint and uh… I l-like hockey."

The blond smiled fondly, "That's cool. Do you play?"

"Um…no. M-maybe one d-day though," I responded longingly.

Alfred nodded, "I like hockey too. Mostly 'cause it keeps me in shape. I also like to weight train."

Just then Gilbert came out of his room looking pretty upset.

Alfred and I looked up, "Hey a-are y-you OK, Gil?"

"Fine fine…I just kinda wanna be alone right now. Elizaveta and I had a really big fight," Gilbert scowled and grabbed a beer from the fridge.

"Y-you sure you don't w-wanna talk about it?" I asked.

"No, I really don't, Matt," he sounded kind of pissed off and miserable. I sighed sadly.

"Look, I just need to be alone, that OK?" Gilbert asked carefully.

I nodded, "S-sure."

I got up with Alfred, keeping a reasonable distance from him, and walked him to the door, "L-looks like I g-gotta go home."

Alfred frowned, "Why don't you come to my house? Only if you want…"

I bit my lip and studied the American carefully, trying to decide if he was trustworthy or not.

"My roommates will probably be around; it's dinner and all. And we have a big TV in the living room with an X-Box," Alfred told me excitedly.

Feeling bold for a moment, I smiled, "A-are you i-inviting me out for d-dinner?"

A faint dusting of red appeared across his nose and he put a hand behind his neck awkwardly, "Uhhh well I _did_ ask you out and stuff… So uh, if you want to… join me for dinner?"

My cheeks heated up and I smiled, "I-I'd love t-to."

"Do you want to go to a restaurant?" Alfred asked.

I bit my lip and glanced at him through my bangs, "Um s-sure…"

"Great! I know this place that's really cosy and reservations won't be a problem. My roommate recommended it; I think you might like it. Casual dress…"

A smile touched my lips, "Give me f-five m-minutes?"

"Sure," Alfred said brightly.

Excitement and fear coursed through me as I went back to Gilbert's room. The German was sitting on the couch absently watching the TV; the images flickered across the screen. He looked pretty down. I felt a pang of guilt.

"Hey Gil," I called.

"Yeah?"

"W-will you b-be OK?" I asked.

"Matt, you always care about everyone else. Don't worry. Elizaveta and I just had an argument. It was stupid. So did I overhear? You're going to Alfred's?"

"Y-yeah. I'm j-just gonna g-get ready," I replied.

"Awesome. Well, you can crash here again tonight if you want."

I smiled, "Th-thanks, Gil."

I went into Gilbert's room and changed my clothes. I checked my bruises and used some cover up makeup on any that my clothes didn't cover. I wore a pair of nice jeans and a striped purple and white long-sleeved, button-up top. I also had a white undershirt underneath the heavy material top. Feliks and I had gone on a shopping trip a few months ago and I bought the outfit at his urging. I could never say no to that guy.

I brushed my hair and teeth quickly in the bathroom and dabbed on a bit of cherry-flavoured Chapstick; my lips tended to dry out easily. I took a deep, shuddering breath as I studied my reflection in the mirror and pressed my wavy hair flat. Giving up, I headed out to meet Alfred.

I frowned when I heard low voices in the hallway. I stopped and listened.

"He likes you so don't you dare break his heart," Gilbert threatened.

"Hey man, I meant it. I really do like him, I'm just worried," Alfred replied.

I frowned, why were they talking about me as if I weren't even here?

"Yeah, me too; he's like my best friend," Gilbert said.

I cleared my throat and tried to make it look like I had just walked in and hadn't been overhearing their conversation about me.

Both Alfred and Gilbert smiled as I walked in. Gilbert grinned and winked at me. I flushed and looked down.

"You look hot!" Alfred gushed.

I thought my face was going to burn off; I wasn't used to receiving such compliments.

"Th-thank you."

"Alright, you kids have fun now! Make sure he's home by eight!" Gilbert said jokingly.

I flushed again, "Gil!"

"I'm just looking out for ya, Matt," Gilbert protested with a small smile.

I rolled my eyes but smiled, "Th-thanks."

Alfred watched our interaction and nodded, "Shall we?"

I nodded and put on my shoes and coat.

Alfred held the door open for me and we walked towards his car. I waved to Gilbert one last time and got into the passenger seat. The air was chilly outside and the sun was beginning to set, lighting the sky up in tones of orange, yellow and indigo.

A rush of anticipation passed through me as I realised that we were finally going on a date; unplanned considering all things, but a date nonetheless. I felt giddy. I focused on that feeling rather than the icy fear that was ever present and kept my thoughts away from anything but how kind Alfred had been to me.

We drove a few blocks away, the ride was smooth the whole way thankfully, and we arrived a quaint looking restaurant.

"I hope you like Greek food!" Alfred piped up as he opened my door for me (he insisted).

I laughed quietly, "Y-yes, a-actually, I do."

We shared a smile and we went in.

The restaurant wasn't too busy, for which I was thankful, but it wasn't dead either. _They must have good food_, I thought.

The host, a quiet Japanese man, found us at the door.

"Kiku! Hey, how's it going?" Alfred asked the Asian man.

"Very well, Alfred-san. And yourself?" replied the dark-haired man with a small bow.

"Great! Hey, this is my date, Matthew…" he started and then looked at me, "What is your last name anyway?"

"W-williams," I replied.

Alfred nodded and smiled, "Matthew Williams, this is Kiku Honda."

"I am pleased to meet you," Kiku told me with a bow. I bowed back unsure if that was the proper etiquette but it made it easier than forcing myself to touch another person.

"So Kiku, I didn't know you were working," Alfred said.

"Oh yes. I work for Karpusi-san four nights a week," Kiku explained. "Shall I seat you and Matthew-san now?"

"Let's go!" Alfred said jovially clapping Kiku on the back. "C'mon Mattie."

I nodded and followed. _If anything, it would be an interesting night; I just hoped I could handle it without anymore episodes_, I thought anxiously.

* * *

A/n: Thoughts? I know, it took a long time… school's stressing me out a bit. Le sigh. Plus while I had the plot all mapped out, I realised it seemed too close to another plot I've read in the past and now I feel I am back at square one. C'est la vie.

Oh and one thing, keep in mind that just because Matthew interprets someone's actions a certain way doesn't mean they are that way.


	10. Chapter 10

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter; NOTE: There is self-harm in this chapter! The author does not condone Matthew's harmful actions. However, I have written it this way based on the research I did on abuse victims.

Disclaimer: see first chapter

A/n: Thank you all again for staying with me in this story adventure! While I do certainly appreciate the author alerts and favourites, I love to hear everyone's thoughts on the story, whether it's concrit (constructive criticism) or kind comments. So please let me know what you think via review! _Merci_!

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving to all fellow Canadians (yes, I know, it was Monday and I'm late with it lol).

* * *

Alfred pulled the chair out for me and my face flushed as I sat down. The American sat down across from me and Kiku, our host and waiter, lit the candle in the centre of our table. Then the Japanese man handed us each a menu; Alfred took his jovially and excitedly perused the menu, while I was a bit more hesitant and watched to make sure I didn't touch the other, albeit kind, man. I was so worried about having another flashback, I didn't realise I'd been working myself up, my breathing coming in shallow, hitching breaths.

"Mattie," said a firm voice, "Look at me."

The voice shook me out of my panic and I looked into bright blue eyes. They were calming and my breathing slowly began to even out. I took a shuddering breath in and realised how ridiculous I must have looked. My mortification nearly brought me to tears but that would have been even more embarrassing so I held back.

"S-sorry," I stuttered.

"Kiku here was just asking what you'd like to drink," Alfred told me, concern playing across his strong, attractive features.

"Oh uh…j-just water please," I replied meekly.

"You sure? I ordered wine. You can have whatever you like."

I bit my lip thoughtfully but a feeling of worthlessness wrapped tightly around my heart. I didn't deserve anything Alfred was offering, I didn't even know why I was there. I shook my head and looked down, "N-no thank you, j-just water, p-please."

I glanced up to see Alfred's face, he looked uncertain and that didn't really suit him. He seemed like a fairly confident guy. He nodded though, accepting what I requested. Somehow that struck me as sweet, respectful.

Clearing his throat Alfred smiled at me, "So why do you—"

"Uh how c-come you came to Canada?" I asked, cutting him off. I really _really_ didn't want him to ask why I reacted the way I did. I couldn't even think about the why without freaking out, never mind have to answer someone else's inquiry about it.

The blond looked taken aback but he gave me a wry grin, "I like your spirit."

My eyes widened in both disbelief and confusion, "Eh?"

The American's cheeks reddened, "Uh I mean… I moved here because my dad well…he said that this school was amazing but I think it was just his way to spend time with me. Although he's from England, he was posted here as a UN ambassador for Britain at the Canadian Embassy."

"Wow," I said, without a stutter. _That's kind of cool_, I thought.

Alfred smiled looking a bit embarrassed.

"Uhm…so w-will y-you go back home wh-when you graduate?"

His face took on a thoughtful expression but then he shrugged, "I dunno. I guess I should go back to see my mom and stuff. She calls me every weekend. But I guess I'll have to figure out where I'll be happiest."

My lips curved into a small smile; it was cute how idealistic he was, and yet, it seemed like he was destined to do well. He was also still thoughtful towards his loved ones.

Then our drinks had arrived. And I bit my lip as I quickly searched my menu for the least expensive thing I could find. The vegetarian thing made it easy.

A hand touched the top of my menu and lightly pressed it down away from my face. Alfred nodded reassuringly, "You can have whatever you like, Mattie. Don't worry about the cost."

I glanced at my menu one more time before I picked out a Classic Greek side salad and Yemista(1). Alfred ordered chicken Souvlaki(2) and a side of home fries.

Once our food arrived, Alfred attacked his dish like a starving man; I picked up my fork and took small, careful bites of my salad savouring all the flavours in the dish before doing the same with my Yemista. I barely got halfway through either dish when my stomach ached from too much food.

I sipped my water and noticed Alfred glancing at me; his cheeks had a light dusting of pink on them. "Sorry," the American said, "You're just so… cute…the way you eat, and well…everything else."

I blushed and turned away.

Alfred cleared his throat, "I just- I wish… Well, it seems like something's wrong. If uh…if you want to ever talk about it, I would be more than willing to listen."

I nodded, holding the rising panic and paranoia. I didn't want to talk about any of that. I just wanted to escape into this wonderful bliss that surrounded me when Alfred was near. But I also didn't want to lie. So instead, I said nothing.

The resulting awkward silence was awful.

I glanced away and Alfred swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbed. He cleared his throat.

A shadow passed over our table and I nearly jumped out of my skin when a voice sounded from behind me.

"How is everything?" Kiku asked, coming around the side. As if sensing the thick tension, Kiku changed the topic. "Karpusi-san has a dessert special; pistachio Baklava(4). Shall I bring you each one?"

Alfred nodded and managed a smile. He glanced at me and I bit my lip.

"Uh," the American started, "Did I ever ask what you were thinking of doing after school?"

"Oh um, n-no. I w-was thinking of becoming a t-teacher."

Alfred smiled looking interested. "That's cool. You like kids?"

I nodded, "Yeah, th-they're innocent, n-not so jaded like a-adults are."

The blond looked thoughtful, "True."

"Here is your Baklava," came Kiku's soft voice as he put the plates down in front of us. I pushed back against my chair subtly.

Alfred frowned but smiled when he caught my eye. We ate our desserts which were wonderful.

When the bill came, Alfred refused to let me pay but I extracted a promise from him that I'd pay the next one. When I realised what I'd said my cheeks heated up and Alfred winked at me. "So I guess this means a second date, huh?"

I bit my lip and looked away, a smile crept onto my lips and I nodded barely catching his blue eyes.

Alfred grinned back at me. He reached his hands across the table to hold mine but stopped short. I swallowed and though my hands shook, I dug for the courage in myself to reach for his hand. Finally I touched his fingers and though I expected that sense of panic to attack me from the inside, it didn't. I just had the feeling of butterflies beating against my ribcage. I frowned at the unexpected reaction but felt it melt away when Alfred gently squeezed my hand back. I slowly glanced up at him biting my lip and saw him smiling back softly. It was as if he understood that just the simple act of holding his hand was a big deal for me. Of course, he couldn't really but it just seemed that way.

When it felt like the awkwardness was creeping back into the situation, we both let go and got up to go. We walked side-by-side out of the restaurant and he drove me back to Gilbert's.

What struck me as really odd were the images that attacked me when Alfred walked me to the front door. I was bombarded with thoughts of what his lips might feel like when they touched my own. When I was…attacked, I wasn't kissed on the lips…in fact, there was no affection shown in the entire experience. I supposed there wouldn't have been; I'm pretty sure my step-dad just did it to humiliate and hurt me and well…I deserved it but that's about it. I shook thoughts of the event away and held Alfred's hand one last time.

"Goodnight," he told me softly with affection in his eyes.

I swallowed and felt sad but happy at the same time. I didn't want him to go; I felt safe with Alfred. I bit my lip and replied, "Goodnight."

He finally let my hand go and I waved to him once I opened the front door. Alfred grinned and waved back as he started down the pathway towards his car.

I waited until he drove away before I shut the door and slid down to the floor. I bit my thumb and a sad smile tugged at my lips. I shuddered out a sigh as the butterflies still beat their wings in my chest and stomach.

"Hey Matt? That you?" Gilbert called from the living room.

"Y-yeah," I sighed and got up.

"So how was it?" the German man grinned at me.

I smiled and redness rose to my cheeks, "Really g-good."

"He didn't try anything did he?"

I frowned and shook my head. "Not at all."

Gilbert arched a brow, "Nothing?"

"N-no well… he was going to h-hold my hand from across the t-table but then he waited for me to m-make the first move. A-and I d-did."

"Ugh all this sweetness is making my teeth rot!" Gilbert said. My cheeks reddened and I embarrassment swirled in my stomach. But Gilbert put up his hands in surrender, "I'm just messing. I'm happy for ya, man."

I gave a small smile, still feeling uncertain and embarrassed. What kind of guy can't even allow a kiss on a first date? I felt sickened with myself. Alfred could do so much better than me.

I cleared my throat, afraid my thoughts were showing up on my face. "So w-what happened with E-Elizaveta?"

Gilbert sighed heavily, "Fight. She's jealous I think… she knows I had that fling with Roderich and when I mentioned he was my roommate…she kind of went off on me."

I nodded, "It _is_ a bit strange that your ex is l-living w-with you."

"Ugh but it was nothing! We can't even be civil in the same freaking room never mind carry on a secret affair behind Elizaveta's back," Gilbert protested.

"_I_ know, but Elizaveta doesn't r-really know what your r-relationship was like with Roderich."

"I tried to tell her but she said I was making up bullshit seeing as I hadn't told her about Roderich 'til recently."

"Why _did_ you t-tell her?"

"Well I wasn't going to but I was kinda pissed off about him today and I just kinda ranted…and then she asked about it and we made this promise before about never lying blah blah blah…Six-months apparently signs you up for shit you had no intention of signing up for, like unveiling your past relationships/experiments," Gilbert ranted.

I nodded, "S-so what are you g-going to d-do?"

"Haven't figured it out yet. Maybe get ol' specs to move out," Gilbert shrugged putting a hand on the back of his neck.

I bit my lip, "Th-that's too bad. F-for Roderich, I mean."

"Too bad for him? It's too bad for me and my bitchy girlfriend!"

I quirked my lips, "B-but I thought y-you _a-adored_ her."

Gilbert ran a hand through his hair, "I do! But Roderich and I have this thing; we get under each other's skin and he irritates the shit out of me but at the same time, he—I dunno... It's like he keeps me on my toes. I dunno. Plus, I said he could crash at the house 'cause he needed a place after his landlord got reported for house safety hazards so I'm helping the guy out, ya know? And he's helping me because 'Tonio and I can't afford the rent by ourselves."

I nodded understanding, "I-I c-could help, y-you know. I w-wouldn't m-mind s-staying here for a while l-longer, th-that is, if it's OK w-with you."

"Matt I'd love it for you to stay, man. But still, the Roderich thing is like being stuck between a rock and a hard place."

I smile teasingly, "D-don't tell me y-your growing a c-conscience!"

Gilbert's cheeks reddened, "No! Of course not! I'm too awesome for that! Screw Roderich! You can have his room."

I frowned, "A-aren't there m-more rooms though?"

"Ugh, yeah, but we gotta renovate them. Place is falling apart if ya hadn't noticed," Gilbert grinned wryly.

"I-I can h-help. I-I c-can still t-take out a l-loan…"

Gilbert nodded, "OK then. We'll figure something out. Roderich….well I dunno… I dunno what to do about that."

I bit my lip and nodded, "I uhm…I'm g-getting t-tired so…"

Gilbert nodded, "Night! Oh are you going to school tomorrow?"

"I-I sh-should," I hesitated as my mind was filled with all the people that would be around me and the people I knew asking me what happened. Panic rose and I swallowed it down taking deep breaths to suppress it. "S-see you t-tomorrow, Gil."

I stumbled through the bedroom door and shut it quickly and quietly. My legs collapsed beneath me and I slid down the door. My hands shook and I felt nauseated. I shook my head trying to make the stupid, dark thoughts go away. _No_, I thought desperately; _Think of Alfred, think of how wonderful the date was. Alfred wouldn't do that, he wouldn't_.

Once the hyperventilating began I thought was going to pass out. My heart pounded against my chest, as if trying to escape the torment of my mind.

**Cold, clammy fingers holding me down, pressing bruising marks into my hips.**

I shook my head and stood up before pacing, my whole body was shaking and I nearly collapsed again. I reached the bed and pulled at Kumajiro's pouch; the place where I stuffed the razor. I ran my trembling fingers along the metal and I accidentally nicked the tip of my thumb. Thick, viscous blood pooled and pushed through the cut. But it was the pain that caught my attention; it allowed me to breathe. I watched the blood for a long time.

My breathing slowed, albeit very slightly, I slowly began to feel the panic edge away. My shaking hands dropped the razor and I put my bleeding thumb to my mouth. I cleaned away the blood on my finger and examined it. The wound wasn't even that big, it was just a little sting but it had been enough to stem the panic. Suddenly I felt a wave of exhaustion wash over me. _So tired_, I thought. I climbed into the bed with my good arm supporting me though now that my thumb was cut I had to be mindful of it. My final thoughts were of Alfred and his kind, bright blue eyes and when we held hands from across the table. I smiled and allowed sleep to overtake me.

* * *

(1) Yemista, according to Wikipedia, is baked stuffed vegetables. Usually tomatoes, peppers, or other vegetables hollowed out and baked with a rice and herb filling or minced meat.

(2) Wikipedia explains: Anything grilled on a skewer (lamb, chicken, pork, swordfish, shrimp). Most common is lamb, pork or chicken, often marinated in oil, salt, pepper, oregano and lemon.

(3) Baklava is phyllo pastry layers filled with nuts and drenched in syrup, says Wikipedia. And I personally highly recommend trying it if you haven't before; it's delicious.

* * *

A/n: So that's it for this chapter. I'm going to try and have the next one up as soon as possible.

Keisan says England, here's the script.

England says Right. (Eye roll). Reviews make emo authors like Keisan joyful. She's willing to bribe you with drabble fics. Oh bloody hell, just review or she'll take it out on me.

Keisan says Hey! That's not part of the script!

England says (shrug)

France says Oh lighten up _mon cher_. (pokes England)

England says (glare)

France says (takes script) Reviews are like maple syrup on pancakes….? Keisan, did _mon petit_ Canada not write this?

Keisan says (twitching eye) I do not plagiarise! I happen to like maple syrup is all…

England says And reviews…apparently.

Keisan says Yes. _Au revoir mes amis_! 'Til next time.

France says Shouldn't that be my line?

Keisan says No, yours is more along the lines is: _voulez-vous coucher avec moi?_

France says (lascivious grin)

England says Perves.


	11. Chapter 11

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter

Disclaimer: see first chapter; the song Wasted is by the band Cartel, therefore, I don't own it. I also do not own Tim Hortons or their products.

A/n: So I am a cruel, cruel person and deserve none of your kind thoughts, but I would love to hear them once you've read this chapter anyway. I am sorry for this 'hiatus' of sorts; honestly, I ran into crazy school projects during the month of November (aka month of death), then I was blocked and then it was holidays and we found out that my grandma has cancer and it's pretty much terminal at this point and it's awful not just 'cause it's my grandma and I love her, but she always encouraged me to write (whereas the rest of my family, not so much) and she's not super old… it's really taking a toll on my whole family right now… So that's where I've been. Also BIG BIG thank yous for all those who have favourited, put me on author or story alert or both and have submitted reviews! They are wonderful and make me feel more excited to write.

I hope you all enjoy the chapter.

* * *

The sunlight streamed in through the window casting a pool of light on the floor that trailed up the bed into my eyes. I moved my good arm to block the sunlight and muttered a curse, "Dammit."

I rubbed my eyes and searched for a clock. 8:03 AM. I had an hour and a half 'til class. I decided I would go.

I stumbled into the bathroom, locked the door and turned the taps to fill the bathtub. I brushed my teeth while I waited for the tub to fill up. I rinsed and turned off the taps.

I undressed, avoiding looking in the mirror, but shame filled me as I pulled down my pants and boxers. The bruises on my thighs were a greenish yellow now; the scratches and welts were still pretty red but the open wounds had healed. I ran my hand over my hips and around my back towards my abused hole. It was sore still. I put the plastic bag over my cast and laid the folded towels next to the tub. I sprinkled some Epsom salts into my bath and carefully lowered my body into the hot water. My skin burned and I winced as the salt stung my wounds. I laid back slowly against the back wall and felt the tension in my body dissipate.

I heard some low talking in the hallway. Footsteps padded down the hall and then low music was playing in the background. I hummed along.

_We're wasted, no no no_

_We're all wasted…_

…_and I'm 18 and couldn't wait to move out  
it's been five years and now I'm starting to doubt  
Whether all my dreams are just aimless stares  
Looking off to someplace that isn't there…_

_When I'm 32 well I'll be miserable with  
Everything around based on principle  
Well, I have a clue, oh wouldn't it be nice  
To never be alone in this wasted life_

_And we're wasted, no no no,_

_We're all wasted…__(1)_

I sighed and sat up. I washed my hair and body; scrubbing hard until my skin was even more red and sore than before.

"Matt?"

I stopped abruptly. "Y-yeah?"

"'Tonio and I are gonna leave soon; we're taking the 8:45 bus. You wanna come with?" Gilbert called through the door.

"Y-yeah sure. G-gimme ten m-minutes."

"How 'bout twenty? We all have to eat, right?"

I nodded not thinking he couldn't see it but I wasn't really hungry. "Uh y-yeah you guys go a-ahead for breakfast. I-I'm not hungry."

"Seriously? You never eat. You're going to waste away!" Gilbert said playfully, a note of concern underlying his words.

I looked at my rib bones protruding from my chest and sighed. "F-fine."

Gilbert's footsteps trailed down the hallway towards his bedroom. I leaned back and sighed. Then I quickly rinsed shampoo out of my hair with a cup of warm bathwater and pulled the plug.

My arm twinged and I made a mental note to take some more painkillers. I always forget these kinds of things.

I carefully climbed out of the tub and dried myself off. I ran my brush through my messy blond hair and set my glasses on my nose and fiddled with my bangs. There was nothing I could do with my hair. I put my pyjamas on again intent on changing in Gilbert's room; I wouldn't ever be able to walk around in just a towel or anything like that. I was much too disgusting.

As I walked towards the door it was slightly ajar and I pushed it open. Gilbert was sitting on his bed looking at the razor I had _used_ last night.

"Matt? What's going on?"

I swallowed and I felt my heart drop to my feet. There was dry blood on the blade. It must have fallen off the bed when I went to sleep. I had been so tired last night, I'd forgotten to hide it.

"N-nothing."

Gilbert gave me a meaningful glance. "C'mon Matt. I'm your friend. At least, I thought I was. You can talk to me about whatever's going on."

I shook my head, "N-nothing's going on. It's-it's fine. E-everything's f-fine."

"And the bruises on your arms? Antonio said they were shaped like finger prints," Gilbert persisted.

"It-it's no-nothing," I took a deep shuddering breath. "Ju-just stairs. Just s-stairs. Wh-when I f-fell."

"Matt…"

"Can I get ch-changed, please?"

Gilbert looked like he wanted to protest but pressed his lips together firmly and nodded. He looked at me and took the razor with him as he walked around me and closed the door. My legs felt shaky and I nearly lost my balance.

Frustration, fear, guilt and shame flooded through me. I felt panicky and I scratched at my wrist. I couldn't breathe. I kept scratching until the skin was red and the skin began to break. I just kept scratching. A bit of blood spilt from deep scratches and got under my finger nails. I bit my lip hard until I broke the skin there too. I tasted metal on my tongue. When I could breathe again I realised I was on the floor rocking back and forth. I also realised I felt a little better; the cuts hurt but emotionally, I felt a sense of relief.

I blinked and looked up at the window. There was a raven on the window sill. What was with these birds? Were they seriously following me around or something? And it was always a black raven. The bird's beady eyes stared at me and I felt ill at ease. Suddenly it flew away and I inspected the damage on my arm. I looked around the room for something to wipe away the bloody mess and found some Kleenex tissues.

I cleaned the mess away and quickly dressed. I checked the time. 8:37 AM. Crap.

I was too anxious about being late to think about Gilbert and Antonio saying anything about the razor or bruises. Besides, that would be mean of them; I mean I have school. I can't think about those sorts of things when I'm getting ready for school.

I packed my bag and shakily went out to the hallway. I kept my face down as I wandered into the kitchen. Gilbert, Antonio and Roderich were sitting at the table eating toast and cereal. I sat in an empty chair and finally glanced up.

"Have a nice date last night?" Antonio asked kindly with an encouraging smile.

My cheeks reddened and I smiled, "Y-yes. We w-went to this Greek r-restaurant just off Main street."

"Doesn't Heracles Karpusi run that place?" Roderich asked.

"I-I think so," I replied. "Kiku, our w-waiter, mentioned h-his n-name."

Antonio nodded and grinned, "I've seen them together a few times and they seemed pretty cosy if you know what I mean."

I shrugged, I really had no idea.

"You're quiet for once Gilbert, what's up?" Antonio asked the platinum blond.

"Uh just tired. Dunno how Elizaveta's gonna be today," Gilbert said quickly, he caught my eye and gave me an intense look. I knew our conversation from earlier wasn't finished. Worry curled in my stomach at the thought and I felt slightly nauseous. _No_, I thought desperately, _Everything is not going to fall apart. I can't lose the people who still want me as a friend_.

"We should get going. The bus will be here in two minutes," Roderich piped up and took his dish to the sink.

The rest of us got up and I heaved my knapsack up over one of my shoulders. Gilbert glanced at me with a concerned expression before leaving the kitchen. Antonio handed me a couple of apples and a travel mug filled with coffee, I assumed. Struck silent I opened my mouth but the Spanish man just gave me a sad smile.

"Don't wither away now! You have to stay awake in my class," Antonio said as I put the apples in my knapsack.

I nodded numbly and muttered a quiet 'thanks'. The fabric of my hoodie brushed the wounds on my arms and I winced. Thankfully everyone had already cleared out of the kitchen and I silently took up the rear of our little group.

We all got to the campus on time and I wondered briefly if I'd see Alfred. My cheeks warmed and the giddy feeling I got at the thought. I focused on that feeling rather than the anxiety simmering in my stomach. If I didn't I feared I would be sick.

I followed behind my group trying to remain unseen. I was pretty good at fading into the background, mostly when I wanted to be noticed, but now that I didn't want to be noticed I worried people would suddenly see me.

"Matt! Matt!" a peppy voice startled me.

Feliks was just wearing jeans today, although they were really tight fitting. Of course, he also wore green baretts in his hair today and sparkly lip gloss on his lips. My lips twitched. He looked nice and all, but it was just so…Feliks!

He latched onto my injured arm and I gasped loudly and tried to pull away.

"Oh my god! What happened to your arm? Are you, like, OK?" Feliks worried as he quickly let go of my arm.

"Y-yeah. Just fell down the stairs at my apartment. You know how clumsy I am…" I murmured quietly, examining my arm.

I glanced up at Feliks' sympathetic expression and over his shoulder saw Gilbert narrow his eyes. My German friend pressed his lips together and left. I felt like my heart had dropped out of my chest and into the pit of my stomach. Even my best friend could see right through me and he wanted nothing to do with me.

Felik's rapid, animated hand-motions brought my attention back to what he was saying.

"…and I totally, like, fell on my leg and Toris brought me to the hospital and they made me, like, wait 6 hours just to get a cast!"

I nodded, "That sucks."

"Right? Like, really! I hate being in hospital as it is and then they make me wait for, like, so long!" Feliks continued. Then Toris arrived and Feliks latched on to him and stood on tippy toes to kiss him.

Toris expressed concern for my injured arm and suggested that he and Feliks sign it to wish me well. I nodded and a stifled a brief smile.

When Feliks had withdrawn a promise that I'd never keep him out of the loop again, he left with his boyfriend and I smiled wryly. I looked around to see everyone had left and then I looked at the clock on the wall.

_Shit, _I cursed inwardly, secured my knapsack and hurried to class.

After two and a half hours of writing notes (luckily my writing hand wasn't damaged), the ache in my arm had increased exponentially since I'd woken up that morning and I was dying to take my pain killers.

I got up when the question period started near the end of class and scurried out the back door. I usually sat at the back of the classroom and I was pretty much invisible anyway so no one noticed or so I thought.

I carefully closed the heavy door behind me and went to a Tim Hortons café. I dug around in my pockets for loose change and came up short just as it was my turn to order.

The lady behind the counter had a permafrown (2) and hard, dark eyes. My cheeks coloured and I opened my mouth to explain that I didn't really want anything anymore when a presence came up to my left.

"Hey Mattie! What are you getting?" Alfred asked with his sparkling smile and bright blue eyes.

"Oh umm," I stammered, "I—nothing. I have to go um…use the bathroom!"

I hurried over to the washroom door and glanced back at Alfred, he was blinking and then shook his head.

When I came out Alfred was waiting at the door with 2 coffees in hand and a box of Timbit treats.

"Here ya go," the American smiled.

I closed my slightly gaping mouth when he murmured in my ear, "Trying to catch flies? Or something else?"

Alfred winked at me and pulled away whilst handing me my coffee. Blushing, I followed him to a free table and he opened the box of Timbits and started on two chocolate ones at once.

I pulled off the coffee lid and Alfred reached into his pocket to pull out little packets of milk, cream and sugar.

He started to explain with his mouth full, "I dn't kno' 'at 'ou 'aned—"(3)

Slightly disgusted I put a hand toward him, "You d-don't have to explain. I got it. Th-thank you."

His cheeks reddened and I felt the permanent coil of mistrust and fear uncurl the slightest bit in my stomach; a small smile crept across my lips.

I shook my thoughts away and focused on making the pain disappear in my arm. I took my pain killers and ate a honey dip Timbit after. I was supposed to take the medication with a meal. Although the sweet balls of deep-fried, sugared dough didn't really constitute as a meal, it was as close as it came at the moment. I was satisfied.

Tbc.

* * *

A/n: Wonderful readers, thoughts, s'il vous plait? (please?)

(1) Lyrics from lyrics007 dot com. It's called Wasted by Cartel.

(2) From Urbandictionary dot com: "Permafrown: A mouth of a person (usually older) which is frowning in its relaxed state."

(3) "I didn't know what you wanted—" in case you couldn't understand mouth-full-of-food!Alfred.


	12. Chapter 12

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter (I've included warnings from chapter 7 at this point).

Disclaimer: see first chapter

A/n: My apologies. I've had the worst writer's block but I think I've come up with a solution. ;) This is a major fluff chapter, fyi. Oh and shout out to hockey fans in this chappie. ;)

Onward!

* * *

It took about a week before I noticed. Amidst the random crying, the deliberate self-harming, the unresolved issues with Gilbert and the rest of his (technically, 'our') housemates, Alfred was slowly making his way closer to me and closer to finding out. I kept my defences up in order to keep him at a distance and ignorant to what really happens in my life but I did notice little things that upon reflection, seemed odd. The best way to describe it: he was being chivalrous and essentially, taking care of me.

The first time I noticed was when I was watching the hockey practice of the week. I was sitting on the cold bench unconsciously rubbing my hands together, both out of nervousness and chill in my bones. Alfred had texted me earlier in the day to ask if I wanted to hang out and I told him I was going to watch a hockey practice , needless to say I stuttered out an invite but felt for certain, Alfred would never come. I thought he wouldn't show firstly because of well, me—I didn't think he liked me _that_ much, after all, we'd seen each other just the day before and he was bound to be getting tired of me. And secondly because I was just watching a practice; people don't watch practices as evidenced by the lack of people in the stadium, minus the scary chick who had given me the evil eye some weeks earlier.

As I was sitting there biting my lip while watching the Russian hockey player dominate the ice and trying to warm my hands, I felt something brush my shoulder. I started and shifted back quickly and raised a hand up to cover my face before I heard a small laugh.

"Did I scare ya?" And lo and behold, there was Alfred with that typical grin and equally sincere sky blue eyes.

My mouth dropped open and I stuttered a greeting, "H-hey. Uh no, I'm fine."

I paused and then added with wonder, "You came."

"Yeah! Of course! I wanted to see you!" he announced with red cheeks and that perpetual grin.

I couldn't help but return a small smile of my own and nodded, though not really understanding.

"Do you like hot chocolate?" he asked as he held up a steaming, Styrofoam cup.

"Oh! You didn't have to! How much? I'll pay you back…" I replied.

"Like a dollar or something. Forget it. Just stop worrying about that stuff and take the cup," he winked at me.

I felt heat rise to my cheeks and glanced away with another small smile. I took the proffered cup and wrapped my cold thin fingers around it.

Then he nodded seemingly happy he'd convinced me and took a sip from his own hot chocolate.

We sat in silence for a while and watched the seamless passing of the puck between the players, the rough checking and the swift shots on net.

"I know that guy," Alfred said.

"Who?"

"The big Russian dude. I used to play against him when I played for my old school's team. He's a rough bastard but he's a half decent player."

I laughed, "Not the next Ovechkin though?"

"Ha! As if. Personally I'm more of a Crosby fan."

I smiled, feeling like I'd found someone I could actually talk about this stuff with. It felt so nice. "Even though he beat you Americans in the Olympics?"

Alfred smiled wryly, "Damn. Yeah, I had money riding on a bet; lost about $150 because we lost. But I gotta hand it to Crosby, he was amazing to watch."

I felt a sense of pride and nodded. "He's really amazing. Like the next Gretzky or something."

The blond nodded and gestured to my cup, "Feeling any warmer?"

I gaped and looked up into his gaze.

"I could see from when I came in here you were shivering. Did the chocolate warm you up?"

A blush came over my features and I looked away shyly. "Yes. Thank you."

"Good, I'm glad." Alfred interlaced his strong fingers together as he shifted in his seat.

I took a deep breath and reached a shaking hand toward his. I swallowed down my fear.

Alfred's eyes widened slightly and allowed me to touch his hand. He looked at me with a question in his eyes and clasped our hands together gently.

My cheeks could fry an egg at how warm they felt but I avoided any more eye contact for the time being. We watched the hockey together in relative silence, at least until Alfred decided to start egging on a fight between some of the players. I huffed out a quiet laugh until I also got into the spirit. 

The next time I noticed this 'chivalry' was after I'd gotten into a particularly bad fight with Gilbert and ran out of the house.

I sat at the park near the German's house, tears were running down my cheeks and I was shivering. I'd been so upset I didn't even grab a coat. I mentally smacked myself for being such an idiot. It was 4 degrees outside!

The one thing I had grabbed was my phone however, so when Alfred texted me 45 minutes later, I told him briefly what happened.

Ten minutes later the blond was at my side with an extra coat. He wrapped it around me and looked at me before running his big hands over my arms in an effort to warm me up. I was tempted to step right into his hold but my fear held me back. Alfred just looked at me concernedly and asked for more details about the fight.

I sighed. "He was just being moody, I think. He's stressed out about his girlfriend."

Alfred pressed his lips together, "That's no reason to take it out on you."

I shrugged, "It's nothing unusual. People have been doing that all my life."

Alfred frowned, "That's not right. If you…if you want to talk about it, I'm all ears but I won't push you. I just want you to be safe."

I gulped and averted my eyes, "I'm perfectly safe."

"Dude, it's like igloo weather out here! You would have frozen to death if I hadn't come here! Look," he gestured to me, "You're shivering."

I shrugged but felt half-ashamed. I suppose I had treated myself rather badly…

"Mattie, you gotta be nicer to this guy," he indicated he was talking about me, "I kinda like him and well he's much better looking than a snowman."

I ducked my head shyly, bit my lip and muttered quietly, "No, I'm not."

Alfred just shook his head, "You have no idea, do you?"

I just looked at him blankly.

"You're gorgeous. Everything from that hot body to those sparkly violet eyes…" Alfred blushed a little at his own sentimental words and gave me a meaningful look. "I mean it."

I cleared my throat awkwardly; at least that's what I told myself. It felt like something got caught in my throat when my mouth went dry. I couldn't see that Alfred would blatantly lie to me but the truth was: I was ugly. I knew that to be true; I was scrawny and covered in scars, both inside and out. I also obviously attracted the wrong sort of attention, if my assault was any indication. Alfred couldn't see them all so that's why he was saying such sweet things. I nodded to appease him and my lips twitched into a small reluctant smile.

Then Alfred slowly shifted away and pulled something out of his large coat pockets. He handed a brown bag to me.

"I uh-I made you something."

I blinked as I took the bag and opened it up to find some sliced up fruit, veggies and a sandwich wrap.

"It's that hummus stuff…I figure it's vegetarian so you'd eat that," he said looking expectant. "Is it OK?"

My eyes watered. He was so thoughtful; I couldn't remember the last time someone actually bothered to _make_ me a lunch…not since my mum. "I-it's perfect. Thank you."

I looked up at him and leaned forward into a hug. My fear, it seemed, had been trumped by Alfred's sweetness. His arms slowly came around me and he held me gently. His warm body chased away the cold in mine and he smelled of spice and something indescribable. I let my head rest on his shoulder, he was still careful about my still cast-encased arm, and we stood there for what seemed like an eternity.

I suspect we would have stayed like that for much longer except that a car sped by and honked loudly. We were startled and I pulled away quickly. I shot him a shy smile and he grinned back.

"Want me to take you back to Gilbert's?"

That brought me back to our latest argument. Gilbert had said some thoughtless things.

"_Communication, eh? Like you're the expert. I'm sorry Matt, but I think you're the one who needs to work on that! You keep locking yourself in that room and get all 'kicked puppy-like' whenever I try to get you to talk about some of this shit!" Gilbert said in a frustrated tone, pointing at my arms. They were covered but he'd seen the scars and that was enough._

_I didn't even know what had brought this attack on. I'd just been trying to help and idly commented that he should try to communicate with Elizaveta if he wanted to fix things with her. His moodiness was catching, I thought. _

"_You know what? Maybe you should go back to your step-dad's and he'd know what to do, then maybe you'd be less mopey. Because God knows I don't seem to be any help."_

_Shocked that he'd say something like that, I backed away. 'I'm not going to cry,' I repeated in my head, even so, my eyes began to water of their own accord. I turned away, shoved my feet in my shoes and ran out the door. _

"_Fuck! Matt! Come back! It's freezing!" he yelled to me from the porch. But I kept running. _

"Mattie?" called a soft, rousing voice.

I swallowed and shook my head to clear the memory. "Uh-um maybe we could go somewhere else," suggested meekly.

Alfred frowned but nodded, "Where do you wanna go?"

I bit my lip and shrugged, "Somewhere warmer?"

"Uh I'd suggest my house…"

I shook my head and caught his eye, "I like to hang around the bookstore sometimes…"

"Sure," Alfred smiled softly and let out a small laugh.

"What?"

He shook his head with a grin, "Nothing. You're cute."

My cheeks fired again but I cleared my throat, "No I'm—"

"Don't deny it. Let's go," Alfred ushered me toward his car.

We hung out at the bookstore and talked over coffee. Hesitantly, I told Alfred what happened but tried to convey that it wasn't all Gilbert's fault. Alfred scowled and told me not to defend the German.

I arched a brow.

"He should be more patient," Alfred grumbled.

I let out a laugh and blushed, "Like you?"

Alfred nodded, "Exactly. Just like me."

I laughed louder and smiled at him affectionately, "You're sweet."

Alfred frowned, "I'm not sweet, I'm a hero!"

I giggled again. "And funny."

The blond stuck his tongue out at me and winked.

I blushed and shook my head. Alfred was really sweet…I didn't deserve him but I wanted to hold on to him as long as I could; at least I could spare him from my darkest secrets. On the one hand I feared touch, but on the other, the way Alfred treated me made it seem like he would never do anything I didn't want him to do. I felt conflicted. I sighed quietly to myself not noticing the flash of concern adorning the American's face. 

The bookstore was closing and I was still holding a croissant in the paper bag I got from the café. Alfred was dropping me off at my (well, Gilbert's) house and the sun had long since set. We were still in the car when Alfred caught my gaze and began to lean towards me. My body froze except for my shaking hands, I felt a paralyzing fear while at the same time, I felt frustrated.

Despite knowing Alfred would never want me if he knew the truth, I really did want him to touch and kiss me. But suddenly my fears would take over and paralyze me.

Alfred must have noticed my lack of movement and stopped just two centimetres from my face. I opened one eye and saw him glancing at my shaking hands.

"You're hyperventilating," he said.

It was only then I realized I was struggling to breathe.

He slowly took my hand in one of his larger ones and held it both tightly and gently. He pulled back a little and studied my face. I looked back into his eyes unable to hide my fear.

"Mattie, breathe. I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to do," he said in a reassuring tone, still holding my hand.

Slowly my breathing steadied and I felt tears prickling at my eyes. I let out a huffy breath, feeling both reassured but frustrated with myself. I blinked away the tears but one escaped and trailed down my cheek.

Alfred brought up his other hand and brushed away the tear with his thumb.

"It's OK," he murmured.

Finally, I stuttered out, "It-it's not like I-I don't w-want to. I do."

He nodded, "Tell me."

I took a deep breath, I couldn't believe I felt compelled to tell him my secrets. I wasn't going to…not completely. He wouldn't want me anymore.

"Y-you'll hate me," I shook my head.

"Mattie," he brought both hands to mine and held them. "I could never hate you. Nothing you could tell me would make me hate you because I can tell you're a good person at heart."

I swallowed heavily and lowered my eyes, I stuttered out a sigh. "It-it's nothing really. My-my step-dad and I don't really get along… I'm bad and he knew and so he punished me a lot."

Alfred's hold tightened and I stifled a wince. "Sorry. Please continue."

"Ever since I w-was a kid, he um-he," my voice hitched, "Hit me a lot."

That was all I could get out. The whole truth wanted to escape my lips but I just couldn't let it. It would ruin everything and Alfred could never want to be with someone as broken as me, so I couldn't tell him.

Alfred's eyes narrowed and glanced at my cast-encased arm, "Your arm?"

I closed my eyes not able to bear the rejection that I knew would be in his face and nodded.

Instead of being shoved away, I felt Alfred's arms close around me and he pulled me close to him.

"You're not bad. No one deserves to be abused no matter what they did, especially a child," he murmured into my hair.

Confused, I pulled away, "Y-you don't hate me?"

"Oh Mattie! The only one who deserves to be hated is that asshole who hurt you. You didn't do anything wrong," he said with passion.

"But I would burn dinner and I was clumsy sometimes…" I protested.

"Doesn't matter! And anyway, you were a kid. The parent is supposed to do the cooking! And even if you did like to cook, your parent should help you and be patient."

I gave a bitter smile and shrugged.

"Mattie."

I looked him in the eye.

"It's not your fault," he said patiently.

"But—"

"No buts. It's not, now repeat after me: it's not my fault."

"It-it's n-not—" I shook my head. "I can't."

Alfred let out a huff and gave me a stubborn, wry grin, "I'll get you to say it. Don't worry."

My lips twitched and I let out a huffy laugh. I felt a little bit lighter. I didn't know how but that perpetual coil of fear in my stomach lessened ever so slightly.

Soon my eyes were drooping and Alfred pulled away, "Time to go to sleep?"

I nodded absently and drew away from the American.

"You sure you wanna stay here?" Alfred gave me a meaningful glance. "I mean with the fight you had earlier. That reminds me, I'm going to kick that German's ass for being a dick to you," he muttered.

I flinched, not unable to associate the thought with my own abusive past.

Alfred shook his head, "Mattie, I don't mean it like that. But I'm gonna say something to him. And don't be going outside without a coat! Sheesh! Do I have to come by each morning to make sure you're dressed properly?"

At the last bit Alfred looked me up and down and winked.

I relaxed a bit, blushed and laughed. We got out of the car and Alfred walked me to the door.

"Goodnight cutie," Alfred told me with a wink. He took my uninjured arm and kissed the back of my hand.

I blushed harder and bit my lip, "Goodnight."

He let go and left with a wave. I could neither stop the joy brought about by the fluttering in my stomach, nor could I stop the grin that threatened to split my face. I sighed happily as I walked through the front door.

Tbc.

* * *

A/n: I know, Gilbert's being kind of a bitch right now but we'll see more about why in the next chapter. It really has a lot do with Elizaveta and him fighting; he's just frustrated and is taking it out on Matthew. Alfred's gonna ream him out for it too though. Haha.

So who died of fluff overdose? Hmm? Please tell me what you think! There will be more focus on Alfred and Mattie now! Review? Pretty please? I'll throw in more fluff if you do. ;)


	13. Chapter 13

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter

Disclaimer: see first chapter

A/n: First of all, I want to thank you for such encouraging responses. I really appreciate all of the kind reviews.

And second, I owe everyone a profuse apology. I have no good reason to have left this story for so long and it definitely occurred to me to abandon it (which I HATE doing), but I had no ideas left for it. However, I re-read it (a dozen times, I swear), and realised that I really couldn't just leave it. Regardless of how flawed I see it, there's something about it I do actually like about it so I'm back.

And thirdly, answers to some questions! I did a lot of research online and reading memoirs; I've also watched a LOT of movies that deal with this type of stuff. And lastly, I've dealt with depression and an anxiety disorder most of my life, so there's a bit of personal experience there.

Enjoy the update!

* * *

The hallway light was off but I heard some noise coming from the kitchen. I sighed as the sense of happiness and peace slowly drained out of me. Gilbert had been pretty upset earlier and I just took off.

I shrugged out of my coat—well, Alfred's coat, the thought made me smile and sniff the article of clothing, it smelt like him—and toed off my shoes.

"Matt?" Gilbert called hesitantly from the kitchen.

I breathed out a heavy sigh and squared my shoulders, "Yeah?"

He stepped into the hallway and ran a hand through his short fair hair. He looked a bit stressed.

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm just really frustrated and stressed out right now. I shouldn't have said what I said. But I don't know what to do. You won't talk to me and I know there's something wrong. I knew there was something up for a long time now. You're one of my best friends and I thought we had that trust thing."

My mouth felt dry and I swallowed a bit. I was so tired of this up and down business. Feeling so terrible one moment and higher than the moon the next. I was tired of hurting, I was tired of lying, and I was tired of just existing. I hated hurting Gilbert. He really had been there for me. He gave me a place to stay and he and the other guys had even started on renovating one of the rooms so I could have a permanent place at this house because nowhere else felt totally safe anymore. Why couldn't I be normal? What was it about me that made Gary want to hurt me? What was so terrible about me that my own biological father wanted nothing to do with me before I was even born? Why did Mom leave me? Why did she have to die?

I took a deep breath, "I-I'm sorry Gilbert. I r-really can't talk about it. I appreciate that you've gone out of your way and l-let me stay here. I d-don't know h-how to make it better. H-how to be better. I know I'm bad and that there's s-something wrong w-with me. I j-just can't talk about it yet."

Gilbert just gazed at me with the saddest eyes. It looked so wrong on him. He was a happy sort of guy and I did this to him. I'm making him sad just by being here. Guilt and shame filled my chest and I felt completely lost. If I couldn't be around or talk to my best friend because I made him sad and frustrated, then who could I be around? Did I even deserve to be around anyone? I suppose this is what Gary was trying to show me and why he punished me. He knew. But I already knew that.

"Matt. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just hurting, I think. Maybe…ah, well, Antonio and I were talking… we just think that you should talk to someone. A professional maybe? I'll even take you! I'm worried, OK? You can probably tell 'cuz I'm saying all this deep emotional shit."

I felt irritated that they were treating me as though I couldn't take care of myself. I'd been taking care of myself for as long as I could remember! I even took care of my mum! But the last bit he said made me crack a tiny smile. I guess he really was worried if he felt like he had to talk like this.

I glared at him and opened my mouth to retort but recalled Alfred's words. _It's not your fault_. Those words felt so ridiculous to even think about, but they did lessen that heaviness I felt inside and somehow, I felt a tiny bit braver.

"I don't think I n-need to see anyone. I'm fine. E-everything is fine. I can take care of myself and I always have. But…m-maybe I could be a little better. I just—you're my best friend and I don't want to lose that. I guess I can talk to s-someone. But just to prove to you that I'm fine. You-you won't kick me out, will you?" I asked fearfully. I hated myself for being so damned vulnerable. If he kicked me out and no longer wanted anything to do with me, what chance did I have to stand with anyone else wanting to be around me? Alfred included.

Gilbert marched towards me and brought a hand to my shoulder. "You listen and you listen well, Matt, you're welcome here any time and for however long you want to be here, OK? Even if the other guys want to throw you out—which they don't, you so make the most awesome pancakes ever so they'd be crazy and in that case, I'd have to throw _them_ out—and besides that I wouldn't let them get rid of you! Let's go to the counsellor's office this week and you can prove to me that you're a-OK, because seriously, Matt, I know you're all independent and shit, but it's OK if you need help once in a while."

The German looked vaguely uncomfortable and shoved his hands in his pockets. He continued, "So uh… wanna play Nintendo? I bet I'll totally beat you again in Super Smash Brothers, 'cuz you know I'm that awesome."

I let out a laugh and shoved him, "Bring it on!"

Maybe it would be OK after all.

* * *

I rubbed my sore, bloodshot eyes as I laid down on the couch draped in fluffy pillows and a red fleecy blanket. I manoeuvred my casted arm gingerly to place it gently along my side. I insisted Gilbert take his bed back and leave the couch for me, and after a couple of beers, he didn't really object too hard.

Just as I settled down, my cell went off. I sighed and thought, For all that's holy, please let me sleep!

I picked up my phone and read the text.

_Sorry if I woke you, Mattie. I was thinking about you. I hope that you're feeling better now. I was thinking that maybe if you wanted to talk to someone about what happened, my dad used to go to this group for his depression. I guess some of the people there had experienced traumatic stuff and Dad said that it was a decent place to just talk about whatever. No pressure though! Other than that, I'd kind of like to see you again soon. Text me later, Mattie. Sleep well! _

I bit my lip and sighed. I put down the phone and turned over to go to sleep. I slept better that night than I had in a long time.

* * *

The next morning, I felt off. I wasn't sure why, but something didn't feel quite right. I shook it off and got ready for school. Fortunately, I only had one panic attack and only cut myself one time. It brought me back to reality really quick and I could breathe again. I shuffled out of the bathroom and avoided the eyes of Gilbert and his roommates.

"Um hey, anyone w-want pancakes?"

My German friend grinned and nodded, "Yeah! We've got time!"

I nodded and set to work. As I pulled the ingredients out of the cupboards and fridge, I felt a little calmer and my thoughts wandered. I thought about Alfred and his text. It pissed me off that everyone seemed to think I couldn't take care of myself or that I needed professional help. What the hell? No one cared before and… why should they care now? Now that I apparently was too useless and stupid to keep it in and hide it like I always had.

The doorbell rang and Gilbert got up from the table grumbling. I looked up and saw Antonio snickering.

"What?"

"Nothing, mi amigo, Gilbert and Elizaveta are just made for each other. I think they just enjoy bugging each other," the Spaniard pointed to the cell phone that now lay abandoned on the table. "He was reading his texts aloud."

Understanding dawned and I nodded, "Oh, I see."

I set back to work stirring the batter and heating up the frying pan on the stove.

"Hey Mattie," a familiar voice came from behind me. I jumped slightly and turned and felt a flutter in my chest. There stood Alfred, looking his usual sexy self and smelling clean and fantastic.

"H-hi Alfred," I smiled shyly.

"May I?" he asked as he ventured slowly towards me.

I nodded and felt his arms wrap around me slowly. He smelt even better up close, like fresh spring. My heart thudded loudly and I calmed myself down. Why didn't Alfred's touch spiral me into another panic attack, I wondered. I pulled at my sleeves unconsciously and wrapped my own arms around the American.

"Just wanted to make sure you weren't sick. Especially after spending so long outside without a coat," he sent a glare to Gilbert.

"Th-thanks. I'm OK. We um, we talked. I-it's OK now," I reassured Alfred quietly.

He still kept his disgruntled look, "You might be able to forgive so easily, but I'm not so forgiving."

I pulled away and looked up at the blond, "P-please, it's r-really OK…" I paused as my eyes flicked towards the rest of the group in the kitchen, everyone had looks ranging from confusion to suspicion. Gilbert had crossed his arms and looked irritated.

"L-let me finish cooking a-and we'll talk later," I responded quietly.

He nodded and stood against the far wall. The tension was so tangible, you could put a knife through it.

Antonio cleared his throat, "So you must be Matt's new boyfriend?"

My face flushed and I turned to deny it.

Alfred just grinned at me and then the Spaniard, "Well, that's what I'm hoping."

My cheeks burned and I hurriedly finished up the pancakes. The fluttering in my chest was enough to make me nauseous and confusion swirled in my head. Why would he hope for that? Why would he ever want someone as dirty as me? If he knew, he wouldn't. I pushed my feelings down once again and cleared my throat, "A-anyone hungry?"

Alfred smiled at my embarrassment.

The German glanced between the American and I, and took a deep breath. "If you're gonna be talking like that about one of my best friends, you better sit down and eat with us."

Surprise coloured Alfred's features, "Yeah? Well, all right! If that's OK with Mattie."

I nodded dumbly and brought the plate of pancakes to the table. Everyone kept casting looks at me and I looked down at my food, appetite gone.

"So what are you taking, Alfred?" Roderich piped up.

"Law! I'm all about justice and being a hero after all."

Gilbert snorted, "Well unless you end up defending someone who actually committed a crime."

Alfred frowned, "I'm still figuring out if I want to focus on civil law or criminal law but I've got a pretty good sense of people."

Once again, I felt awed by the man sitting next to me; of course he's going to be a lawyer. He's going to make sure justice would be served righteously. I smiled and felt inadequate next to Alfred.

Nodding, "Y-you're doing well, I-I know y-you'll make a g-great lawyer, Al."

I swore I saw a red flush sweep across his cheeks and he put a hand on the back of his head, "Thanks, Mattie."

* * *

After breakfast, Alfred insisted on driving me to school and I accepted with a blush. Gilbert shot me a glance and I nodded to let him know it was OK and I'd talk to him later.

Alfred sent a withering glare at the German as he opened the passenger door for me.

"Al, don't. H-he apologised. W-we sorted it out," I said as I sat down.

The American sighed, "It's just, I worry and stuff. About you, I mean. I want to make sure you're always OK and you're always treated well. I'll always treat you well."

My heart swelled and I couldn't have gotten rid of my wide smile even if I'd wanted to.

I bravely reached across the seat and touched Alfred's fingers; he wrapped his larger hand around mine and drew me closer. I started when he pressed a chaste kiss against my lips.

"Um. You know, I uh, I really like you."

My breath caught and I fought against myself. He shouldn't want me. I was trouble. Disgusting trouble. But I couldn't seem to force the words out of my mouth. Instead, I allowed myself to rest my hand on his shoulder. I nodded and felt tears trickle down my cheeks.

He pulled me closer and raked his hands through my hair.

I took a calming breath, "I l-like y-you a lot, too."

He looked me with the most breath-taking smile, brushed my tears away, and pulled me into a hug once again. When he pulled away and pulled out of his parking spot, his hand curled around mine and I wondered again if maybe it might just be OK.

* * *

Over the next few days, that foreboding feeling hadn't left but I'd carefully put it out of my mind and focussed on school. As I exited Spanish a bit late, I shook my head. Romano was in a mood today. I had been about to ask Antonio a question about the upcoming mid-term exams when the moody Italian shoved passed me.

"Who's this? And what does the shrimp want?" Romano asked accusingly.

Antonio frowned, "This is Matthew, he's asking about the mid-terms!"

Romano fixed his glare on me and sized me up. Seemingly satisfied, he nodded. "Name's Romano. And this is my boyfriend, so hands off!"

I just looked at him shocked and opened my mouth to defend myself.

"Lovino, he's already got a boyfriend, I met him a few days ago."

Romano's eyes still held distrust and he turned towards Antonio, "Meet me in your office." And with that, he strutted out the door.

"Sorry about him."

"N-no, it's f-fine," I assured him, and asked him my question about the exam.

I made my way to the main university doors, headed towards one of the parking lots. Once I found a secluded spot to work on some last minute homework, I sat down and turned my headphones on.

I glanced at the time and saw that it was almost four o'clock. I sent a quick text to Alfred.

_Hey Al, I'm near the archives building doing some work. I'll see you in 20 minutes at Tims._

Ever since our first coffee meeting at Tim Hortons, we'd been meeting there whenever we both had classes all day. Then we'd go and watch the hockey practice.

I was nervous because I'd carefully avoided the boyfriend topic since the breakfast incident. Alfred seemed unaffected but I worried that he might take it the wrong way. It wasn't that I didn't want him, it's just that I knew he wouldn't want me if he ever knew what happened to me. Or rather, what I made happen to me. I had a feeling he was also going to bring up the therapy thing at some point. He and Gilbert were always giving me these worried looks when they didn't think I noticed. I noticed and I hated it. If I did ever do this therapy thing, then everyone would know, everyone would know how disgusting I was and even though I was being selfish, I couldn't stand the thought that Alfred would probably recoil from me. Those were the worst nightmares I had nowadays. Alfred, Gilbert, Antonio, Roderich, and everyone else who apparently gave a damn about me would look at me in disgust and leave me completely alone. Just like Mom and Dad had.

My breathing hitched and I cleared my throat to push away the dark thoughts and attempted to slow my breathing down.

As I flipped the page of my textbook, a shadow passed over me and I was shoved forward. My earphones were ripped out and my attacker pushed my face into the ground.

I shrieked in fear and the scent of alcohol reached my nostrils. Deep heavy breathing echoed heavily in my ears. A dirty rag was shoved into my mouth and tied tightly around my head.

"You thought you could just walk away, did ya?" my attacker asked in a deep, terrifying voice. "Just like your useless whore of a mother."

Gary wrapped his thick fingers around my uninjured arm and wrenched me towards his beat up car. I struggled as he forced me into the trunk. He backhanded me across the face and elbowed me in the stomach. The breath was knocked out of me instantly and he took another rag out of his pocket, and pushed it towards my nose. A sweet smell invaded my airways and everything felt fuzzy until there was only darkness.

Tbc.

a/n: Yes, tbc for real. I'm so sorry again but I truly appreciate all of your support. Please let me know what you think!


	14. Chapter 14

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter

Disclaimer: see first chapter

A/n: Thanks again, guys! Here's our next chapter! Enjoy! Sorry again for the delay!  
Note that there is some graphic violence here.

* * *

The first thing I felt when I awoke was a distinct queasiness and the familiar aches of a beating. My head was fuzzy and everything was blurry. I blinked my eyes several times to clear my vision when I realised that my glasses must have fallen off when… Wait? What happened? It wasn't until I moved my arms and shifted that I realised I was tied down to a bed. The ropes chafed my wrists and the position my broken arm was in shot agony through me as I moved it and I couldn't help but let out a muffled scream from behind the gag covering my mouth. What was happening? I couldn't move! Cold air circulated around me making shiver and fearfully, realise how vulnerable I was; my clothes had been taken too. Then a thought occurred to me, Alfred would have no idea where I disappeared to. Neither would anyone else for that matter. Oh God, I panicked as my eyes watered with tears. I would die here, I thought, feeling very certain of this.

I didn't know how long I lay there, hot tears trailing down my bruised cheeks, my breathing coming in hiccups, but the fear built up higher and higher and it was swallowing me whole. I felt the panic grip me and I shook my head back and forth across the bed. Thoughts about how everyone would eventually find my body slithered into my head, they'd all know. Well, I'd be dead so I guess it wouldn't matter, but if they were going to find out how screwed up I was, I wanted to be the one to tell them. That wouldn't happen now though, I thought hopelessly. Tears continued their path down my cheeks until exhaustion overtook me.

I woke again to a loud noise, heavy footsteps echoed from outside the room I was held captive. I swallowed. It had to be Gary. I don't know who else would be there. I closed my eyes and waited.

"Fuck!" he cursed. He stomped into the room, his face red with rage.

"How the fuck does someone know you're missing, you little useless piece of shit?"

I couldn't speak, and that had nothing to do with the gag stuffed in between my teeth. I looked at him confused, how did someone know I was missing?

He pulled my phone out of his pocket.

"Mattie? You're not at Tims… I'm coming to get you, 'kay?" Gary reiterated the text message in his slimy voice. I wished I could hear Alfred's voice, but the fact that he was going to try and find me gave me hope. At the same time, I was terrified for him. What if Gary hurt Alfred?! I could never forgive myself.

"If that faggot boyfriend of yours comes anywhere near here, you won't be the only one to suffer," he warned. With that, Gary slowly wrote a reply to Alfred on my phone, a dark smirk stole across his face as he hit 'send'. I vaguely wondered how he knew who Alfred was, but I wouldn't put it past him to have been stalking me or something.

"He won't be coming for you. No one will," he said darkly. "Your useless ass is mine to whip, worthless shit."

I swallowed and stifled my tears. The fact that Alfred said he was going to find me sparked the tiniest bit of hope in my lonely heart, and I knew that I had to survive. It wasn't for me at all, it was for Alfred. Alfred should know the truth. He would be disgusted and would hate me, but at least I would be able to die in peace.

Gary grabbed my hair and lifted my head from the bed to show me the message he wrote.

"I can't be with you anymore, Alfred. I'm not worth it. Goodbye."

Only a couple tears escaped my eyes this time. I just hoped Alfred would know it wasn't me. Despite how much I really despised myself, I still had a modicum of self preservation; I didn't truly want to die.

Gary smirked at me sadistically, "Now, let's get started. It's been too long." He undid his belt and halved it. The first hit didn't make me scream, the thought of Alfred and his bravery helped me keep my silence, but by the sixth, I let loose muffled screams. Pain rained down on me until I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like my spirit was coming away from my body and I was merely watching the horror from another's perspective. Bloody welts sprang up all over my chest and legs, and once Gary got bored, he pushed me onto my stomach and rained down his punishment over my back, buttocks, and legs. My arms were twisted and my breath came in small hitches between screams. Soon everything felt the same and I couldn't stay awake.

I woke up again at some point and felt rough fingers plying at the welts on my chest. I heard a pained whine echo and realised that it was me as the fingers trailed down towards my groin. It was going to happen again. I shuddered in a breath. No, it can't, I thought desperately. It's can't! I can't do this anymore! The fingers found their way around my back and started pulled my resisting cheeks apart. Please gods, no, I thought desperately.

"NO!" Another voice yelled out.

Suddenly the fingers were gone and my eyes, barely able to open from the bruising, only caught a glimpse of someone ramming into Gary, effectively pushing him off me. I heard a struggle on the floor and groans of pain. I still couldn't move from the combination of agony, shock, and fear. I sucked in a breath to avoid letting darkness consume my vision. But I was confused at the lack of more pain.

Soon the rustling on the floor stopped and upon hearing a voice that only ever truly inspired hope in me, I was able to let go.

"Mattie?"

* * *

Tbc!

a/n: I know…short chapter is short. Next chapter is coming quickly though. Please review, lovelies!


	15. Chapter 15

Long Way to Happy

Author: keisan

Rating: mature

Warnings: see first chapter

Disclaimer: see first chapter

A/n: It's up it's up it's up! Chapter 15! Let's get cracking! We've got just over 1,800 words! Spoiler alert: FLUFF!

Oh, I just wanted to send out a big thank you for all of your support, dear readers! I'm so happy for all the comments, follows, favourites, and overall support I've gotten from you. Thank you! Enjoy the chapter!

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The first thing I noticed was the smell—that familiar overly clean smell that one can really only associate with hospitals. Ugh, I hated hospitals. Then I noticed that while I felt a few aches and pains, it was significantly less than it was before…before… I sucked in a deep breath as my thoughts shied away from the past. How was I still alive? I shifted away from slight discomfort of lying in one position far too long and forced my sore eyes open. I studied the ceiling and took in some of the light pooling onto the floor of the hospital.

A gentle snore caught my attention and I slowly turned my head to my right. There, passed out on a very uncomfortable looking chair, was the man who saved my life. He was rumpled, had some dark circles under his eyes, and looked like he hadn't shaved in a few days—I even noticed a few bruises and minor scrapes on his cheeks—but he was alive and he was next to me. I felt a small burst of happiness envelop my chest and I couldn't help the smile that turned up my lips. Alfred did save me. He saved me, and I gulped nervously, but he deserved to know the truth. My self-disgust and my sense to do what was right warred within me and I couldn't help but feel crushed by it; once he knew, everything would change. And I was certain things would not change for the better.

My thoughts were interrupted by a light knock on the door. I turned my gaze towards the door and saw the bushy eye-browed Englishman standing there rather awkwardly with an old knapsack. I noticed there was an American flag taking up the majority of the bag so I figured it had to be Alfred's.

Arthur cleared his throat, jostling out of my thoughts again. "Oh um, h-hi A-Arthur. S-sorry I d-didn't say a-anything."

Arthur gazed at me with emotion-filled eyes. "Not a problem there, Matthew. I was just bringing extra him clothes. He hasn't left you once."

I swallowed and didn't fight the heat suffusing my cheeks. "R-really? H-how long?"

"Four days," Arthur replied.

"I-I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I-I want Alfred to do well i-in school, n-not stay h-here w-with me," I explained.

Arthur frowned. "I see."

"N-no, that is, ah I m-mean, I w-want him t-to help people w-who deserve it. He-he's going to be a-a great l-lawyer," I assured the Englishman.

Arthur looked at me sadly. "Do you not think you deserve to be helped?"

I looked away from his calculating stare and shrugged lightly. I looked over at Alfred who was still evidently asleep and glanced back at Arthur.

"No, I don't think I d-do. B-but I w-want to," I replied feeling very certain of this. I knew there was something broken inside of me, but for the first time ever, I felt keen to fix it.

The Brit smiled for the first time and said, "You'll be OK then, lad."

He walked over with the bag and quietly dropped it by the bed and nodded to me. "You'll come round for tea soon then, Matthew? I'd like to get to know the boy my son seems to like so much."

Warmth suffused my cheeks and I blinked at him. "Y-yeah, tea s-sounds good."

Arthur quirked his lips and left.

My mind kept going over the conversation. Obviously Alfred's dad didn't know much about what happened to me and I wasn't sure how much I wanted him to know. Then again, if Alfred truly knew everything, maybe he wouldn't want anything more to do with me and I wouldn't have to try and get to know his dad.

As if reading my thoughts, Alfred grumbled, "No…"

"Al-Alfred?" I called quietly.

"Mattie?" He opened one bleary blue eye, followed by the other one. His eyes focussed on me and he stumbled off his chair towards me.

"Mattie! Mattie! Are you okay? How are you feeling? I'm sorry I took so long to find you! Please forgive me," his hands gently held my face and his fingers ran through my hair. It felt really nice, I thought with a smile.

"I-I'm OK, Alfred. I-it's OK," I assured the other man. I lifted a less injured hand to his hand that held my face and squeeze it lightly.

Alfred smiled, although I sensed he was still upset, so, even though it was awful of me, I just couldn't resist. "K-kiss me?"

He lent down and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. He smoothed my hair and held me close and kissed me over and over again. I smiled into the kiss. Maybe it would be OK, I thought.

My lips were swollen a few minutes later and Alfred had taken up half of my bed lying next to me holding me close.

"H-hey Alfred?"

"Yeah?"

"You sh-should take a shower," I suggested lightly.

Alfred pulled away and looked at me, brows furrowed. "Are you telling me I stink?"

I stifled a laugh. "N-no. But I like it when you smell clean."

"Same thing. You're just passive-aggressive," he said with a grin and then his fingers came to my sides and tickled me.

I let loose a laugh, "Hey! I'm t-ticklish! Stop!"

"Not until you admit it, Mattie! Say what you mean!"

"I did!" I laughed and wiggled in his arms, trying to escape his tickling fingers.

"No you didn't!" Alfred replied.

"OK OK, I give. You smell. P-please take a shower, Al," I said, still grinning back at him.

Alfred smiled back and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. "You win."

The blond American got up and noticed the knapsack by the bed.

"Your dad was here. He br-brought them," I told him. Alfred nodded. "Th-thank you. For e-everything, Al. F-for staying and uh e-everything else."

"Hey."

I looked up and met bright sapphire eyes. Alfred smoothed my hair, "Always."

I swallowed and pushed him, "Go sh-shower."

"Kay, but we have stuff to talk about," he said. "Not now, but later. Don't worry, Mattie."

I nodded.

"Oh, here's your phone," he said, as if remembering for the first time. "I got it back for you. Gilbert's been here…and some of your other friends have been too. They were here this morning actually."

"Oh, um, thanks. I-I guess I-I should l-let them know I'm OK…" I said faintly. I wasn't too keen to tell people everything about what happened, even if I only knew my side of the story. I still didn't know how on Earth Alfred had found me. A thought struck me as Alfred picked up his knapsack, what happened to Gary? Would Gary come here and seek revenge on me? Or worse, would he seek revenge on my friends or boyfriend? I sucked in a deep breath.

"A-Al?"

He looked away from his bag, "Yeah?"

"I-is he going to c-coming back?" I clutched tightly at the blankets swaddled around me.

Alfred cocked his head as I dug my finger nails into my skin, then he came toward me again and took my smaller, tenser hands in his gentle ones. He met my eyes, "You're talking about your stepfather?"

I nodded and looked down ashamed. Alfred knew what had happened and it made me sick.

"Hey, don't do that. It wasn't your fault," he said gently.

I shook my head, "No, it-it was. I-I sh-should have st-stopped it. I sh-should have d-died in-instead of my mum… It's s-so messed up."

Suddenly, Alfred pulled me against his chest and gently rubbed my back. I still felt the pain from the welts that were there and slowly healing, but somehow, Alfred's touch kept me in the moment and calmed my hitching breaths. It was only then I noticed the tears coming down my cheeks dampening his shirt.

"It's OK. We'll get through it. He's not coming back. He's in jail right now. Hopefully we can provide enough evidence to get him put away for good. But I'll do my best to make sure he never comes near you again," Alfred said in a strong steady voice.

I didn't say anything. I just let his voice wash over me and bring that sense of comfort and peace while in his arms.

"Mattie?"

I nodded against his chest, "Yeah?"

"I'm so glad you're alive. When I thought you were…" his voice sounded wrecked. "You mean so much to me, Mattie. I'm glad you survived and I met you. I'm even more glad that you're here with me now. You're going to be OK, Mattie. I know it. I'll make sure of it. But I need you to know it and stay on board with me here. I need you to be strong too, Mattie."

I sniffled and looked up at him, "Y-yeah. I-I w-will try."

He smiled through suspiciously red eyes, his cheeks slightly damp looking. "That's all we need. We'll get through everything."

I bit my lip and nodded. I felt safe knowing that Gary couldn't reach me here but I still wanted Alfred to stay by my side. He needed to take care of himself so I had to let him go do that. I would call Gilbert.

Alfred pressed a kiss to my temple and then another chaste kiss on my lips. "I'll be back in a couple hours then. You'll be safe here. You're in a private room after all."

"Th-thanks," I said gratefully.

"Any time."

He got up with his bag draped over his buff shoulder and glanced at me one last time from the door. "See you soon!"

I smiled at him knowing that I could count on him. After he left, I looked down at my phone and saw that there were thirty text messages. Feeling slight overwhelmed, I began to go through them—the newest ones first. I decided that I would go through the other ones later; it would help me piece together what had happened.

Gilbert: _Dude! When are you going to wake up?! Wake up soon, Matt._

I could tell that that was Gilbert-speak for "I'm worried about you." I licked my lips nervously and replied to this latest text. His response was instantaneous.

_OMFG! I'm coming over right now! I was there with Antonio and Elizabeta this morning and shit. And you know that really cute Italian boy, Feliciano something or other? He was asking about you too when he heard from my bro that you were hurt. He said something about bringing heaps of pasta to fatten you up. I'll pass the word on that you're OK. See you shortly!_

A knot of anxiety threatened to make me sick but it fought with a nervous happiness. No one had forgotten about me, I thought in wonder. I was happy but overwhelmed. I looked around and pressed the button to summon the nurse. I figured I ought to let him or her know what was going on.

Tbc.

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A/n: Wow… I really feel like I want to run to the finish line with this, but it's just churning out like this. Thankfully, this fic seems to be writing itself. More soon! Please review! Reviews make me super happy!


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